★ STEPS MADE TOWARD AN INVISIBLE FENCE ★

1 Week

2009-10-09T19:25:00.000-07:00

7 days until I'm Mrs. Villines

It's been a hard road, I have to admit. I did two shows from June to August, 6 days a week; my family and maid of honor are in Vegas and all my close friends are spread across the nation-it definitely hasn't been a traditional experience. I wish I had more people around to help with things but I can honestly say that I've had my hand in every single decision/detail in this wedding and overall I'm happy about how things have turned out. I'm beyond excited to see how everything looks and feels and I'm excited to be sharing one of the most important days with close family and friends. Mostly, though, I'm just excited to be married and to finally get a chance to relax a bit.

Only 3 days until people start arriving. Time has flown by and I'm sure Friday will be here before I know it.

AHHHHHH. :) :)

So much.

2009-06-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this thing in a century. Lots of things have been happening and I feel like the world is always spinning.

Some highlights from the last little while (god bless you if you can get through everything):

Engagement
I got engaged to the most wonderful Kristopher Villines. He come and visited me in Utah and proposed to me after dinner at his hotel room. It was simple and intimate and I was so excited that of course I cried like a baby. I'm so thrilled for this new chapter in my life and I'm glad that I get to share it with someone like Kris.

Marriage
We're getting married here:

Walley's Hot Springs
Genoa, Nevada
October 16, 2009

The ceremony is going to take place outside (weather permitting) with these gorgeous mountains and wild grass as the landscape, a couple hundred feet away the reception will take place in a gazebo on an island surrounded by hot springs. It really is quite lovely and both our families are quite excited.

Wedding Planning
It's been rather hard trying to plan this wedding with my family, maid of honor and one of my bridesmaids in Vegas, and another bridesmaid in Utah. Sometimes I wonder what I have gotten myself into and there are definitely times when I truly understand why people choose to elope.

So far we have:

Booked the ceremony and reception sites
I've found/bought (for a steal might I add) my dress-by designer Maggie Sottero
Booked a wonderful photographer, Emily Main
Had Save the Dates ideas sent to Kris's graphic design buddy, Aaron Wade so he could design them
Found some simple invitations
Possibly found a cake
Cried from the stress several times
Spent hours and hours online looking at reception ideas
I think, finally got all bridesmaids to order their dresses/shoes, but I could be mistaken on this one as one of them is currently out of the country :/
Found some cute ideas for bridesmaid gifts on etsy.com
Cried more
Found/Bought Kris's Tungsten wedding band
Registered at Target
started compiling friends/family addresses
Started a wedding website with travel info for guests (not finished :/, hence an emphasis on the word "started" ).

Graduation

I graduated with my B.F.A. in Acting from Brigham Young University on April 24th with my family and Kris's family and the wonderful Heidi in attendance(I'm sorry that my Uncle Ike, Litany and her dad couldn't make it, but I will hopefully get to see them soon). **Pardon the blurry photo's they were taken by my video camera which takes lovely video, but not so stellar photos as we found out :/

One of the few pictures I got to take after graduation :( I wished I had gotten more (a special apology goes out to Mrs. Morag Plaice Shephard whom I love and adore and was not able to take a picture with because of my speedy departure).

New York-New York Showcase
I traveled to New York with the graduating seniors in the Acting and Musical Dance Theatre programs and we performed 3 or 4 shows for agents at the Sage Theatre in NYC. While I was there for the week I got to see three Broadway shows (Wicked, Billy Elliot, and August:Osage County) I also got to know my way around the subway system so that when Kris came at the end of the week we wouldn't be lost souls.

We had to be at the airport by 5:45am and despite the 2 hours of sleep Chels and I got, we were energized

Alexis won lottery tickets for herself and me to sit front row for Wicked

While we were there we had some dance and singing workshops

News of the Swine Flu broke out while we were there.

I'm already missing these people and for some it will probably have been the last time I ever see them :(

New York and Kris
Kris came to visit me for a week following the showcase. We were lucky enough to get to stay in Brooklyn for free with Logan's (Kris's friend) Aunt Denine. We loved staying with her and Lulu for a week. She had lots of great advice about what to see and where to go. Logan came with us for a couple days before he had to go back to Northern New York to finish up his school semester. It was pretty rainy and cold the whole time we were there, but if you know me, you know that's totally my element so we ended up still having a lovely time there together.

It was both Kris and my first time and needless to say we feel in love and Kris continuously talks about how much he misses it and wants to go back.

Coney Island was freezing but fun!

Kris and I had a little too much fun at the air and space museum.

Lake Tahoe Shakespeare Festival
Back in February I went and auditioned for the Lake Tahoe Shakespeare Festival and I was lucky enough to actually get in. I am going to be Margaret in Much Ado and various little ensemble things in Measure for Measure. We spent the first part of June in Reno rehearsing at UNR and just this weekend we moved up to Incline Village and will be starting our two weeks of tech before our one week of Previews and Opening Night on July 11th. The amount of talent I'm surrounded by is so amazing to me and I feel so lucky to be apart of this. Show dates are the July 18th-August 23rd.

This is last years stage I believe but I'm so excited to be performing outsite with the lake as our backdrop it's going to be tough competing for the audience's attention with such beautiful surroundings.

My stage pass
The poster for the season, sans the titles and such

Ghost Bear
Kris is in a new band called Ghost Bear. He is really enjoying himself and everyone seems to get along AND there is a whole lot less egos hanging around this band vs. his last band. The music is so marketable and they sound really awesome and seem to be having fun onstage too. They just traveled to Sacramento a couple weeks ago and recorded a 6 song EP and I'm not going to lie I like it a lot.

Ruhv ♥

2009-02-14T08:21:00.001-08:00

I love this boy more than anything. He is the most amazing guy and I am the luckiest girl in all the world of worlds. He makes me feel like I'm floating and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone but him. Yes please and thank you!

Long ago and far away

2009-01-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

It's been way to long. Life just seems to be passing by in supersonic mode.

Last semester ended the same way it started, in a haze. I finished my classes with all A's and a B-. How that happened and how I got through that semester is beyond my comprehension. 70 hour school/work/show weeks definitely gave me some early gray hairs and probably lessened my life by several years-if I engaged in addictive habits, no doubt I would have permanently had a lovely cancer stick between my fingers and would have been winding down my days with a bottle or two of wine :)

The X-Mas break was much needed and appreciated. I spent most of it with Kris and his family. We all went to Fresno for Christmas and I got to meet some of his family. It was a little hard because it was the first time that I hadn't spent Christmas with my family and I did miss them a lot. I loved the time I got to spend with Kris, he didn't have work for almost a whole week and I enjoyed every minute of it; we took a walk, shopped, ate at yummy places, and got to enjoy each other before all the holiday bliss disappeared. I spent the last couple days of break back in Vegas with my fam and Val. My parents got a new German Shepherd puppy, named Lucky and she definitly fits the whole puppy stereotype. She's chews on everything and everyone :/ and licks and jumps and plays all day long. She really is cute, although a handfull!

And now here I am, back in Provo, feeling in limbo ( I still need to move into my new place and I haven't even packed yet) and awaiting another "thrilling" semester-it's my last and there is definitely an excitement coupled with melancholy bits here and there. I've been here a long time and I'm starting to realize that I have no idea where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing in 4 months. All my friends I've made over the years are going to be hundreds or thousands of miles away and it's a new start all over again. I'm not one to be afraid of change, but I also don't really embrace or go seeking it either. I'm going to miss this place just as much as I'm awaiting my departure from it-it's an interesting feeling.

Hmm.

I guess I'll end with some pictures from some things from a little while ago that I never put up.

Lughnasa

Julie, Chris, David and me before our Sundance retreat

Chris and I

Julie, Becca, Emily, Gary, Alexis and me

Becca, Emily, me, Alexis and Julie

Em and me getting into hair and make-up

The Set

The Show

Kris's work X-Mas Party(it was Hawaiian themed)

and let Kris's goofy faces begin...

...it was down to three people and I lost
because of two little things I like to call breasts...yeah,
they eventually got in the way and were the downfall of my victory :(

it was the "Shout" song where you have to lift up your hands and
do as the title says, and that we did

goofy faces....even during the slow songs :/

Ahhhh. Save me!

2008-12-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I seriously have never wanted a final to be over so badly! I just want this Auditions class to be done and over with and then life will be significantly better.

The Trade-Off

2008-11-23T16:53:00.000-08:00

So I've figured some things out- some good, some bad. Now what?

Who's to say?

Loverly!

2008-11-04T18:06:00.000-08:00

It was rainy and colorful leaves were all around me and I finished my stats homework early and got a 100% and I have no performance tonight and I had dinner with Chelsea and my house is warm and I'm writing run on sentences and I love today just because of those things. :) Hooorrrayyy!

And she lived happily happily happily ever after...

2008-11-03T21:21:00.000-08:00

Kris left a few hours ago and I'm feeling rather sad. We had a good weekend and spent a lot of much needed time together. My work/school/show load is quite ridiculous and being able to forget about all everything for a few days has been just what the doctor ordered. We went and saw the BodyWorld Exhibit in SLC and it was so amazing. It made me want to be a Doctor again. It was so fascinating getting to see the human body in so many different ways. I LOVED IT!! We ate at the Cheesecake Factory, saw some old friends, watched Season 4 of the Office, slept in late, went shopping and found Kris some lovely posh clothes, I got some MAC brushes, we went and looked at cars and Kris got to see my show. So many things in so little time. And now he's gone and I feel a little empty inside, well a lot empty. Being away from someone you love is never easy. So now I'm back to the real world.

Things have been going pretty good the last little bit, this has been a stressful and crazy semester but I feel good about life and can't believe that I'm soon going to be out of Provo and into the real world. I've decided to take a much needed break after graduation to just be alive-to be a normal functioning member of society (whatever that is). I'm going to do things that I haven't been able to the last five years; read, paint, spend genuine time with friends and family, watch movies, relax, etc. I'm excited about the future prospects and am 6 months away from a big change. Next semester is going to be fun mostly because I'm only taking 6 credits of classes, most of which are block classes and will be over with in Feburary YAY!! I'm not going to know what to do with myself, and I looovveee itttt!!!!

I came across this the other day and thought to myself about how true it is: "Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you." It makes me discouraged to live in this place, but I'm not too naive to think that no matter where I live there will be a lot of artifical people running about. My goals this semester have been going well and I feel as if I'm getting back to where I was before coming here. Val is coming to see my show on Wednesday and who better than to bring back my hope in mankind than her. She's who I think of when I hear the saying about considering yourself lucky if you have only one true friend in your lifetime. She fits the tab and as I grow older and meet more people I understand where the wisdom in the saying comes from.

It's autumn time, the trees are changing, it's raining and smelling yummy outside, my boyfriend is lovely and my room is filled with flowers, whatelse could I ask for tonight? I can't think of anything, except for him to be snuggled up in bed next to me.

Bright.

2008-10-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

The show is going well. I'm really pleased with how our rehearsals have been so productive. Everything seems to really be coming together. We went into the Margetts today and saw the beginnings of the set; we had our make-up training (they are airbrushing our make-up-like what they do for HD film; practically flawless); our costumes and aprons are all vintage and the show soundtrack is so beautiful. We're getting our Publicity photos done this Tuesday, which should hopefuly be fun :) I'm really excited about the whole thing. Scared, but excited. I can't believe there is less than two weeks before we go into Tech and three weeks until we open. Wow. All in all, I'm rather pleased. Yay!!!

I have really good roommates. I really like them. I'm fortunate. We had a good night.

.

2008-10-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

-John Lennon

Getting back to me.

2008-10-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get back to this:

I'm not for sure if it's possible. I suppose one can't just go back to innocence. Isn't that one of the prices we pay for growing up? I wish I could so badly though. I wouldn't give up any of the experiences I've had, it just seems like it didn't take much to make me smile or laugh back then. I just want to be happy. I've lost myself somewhere along the road and I'm desperate to find where I went. I don't even know where to start. I've tried to distance myself from the things I haven't felt good about. I'm trying to be objective, but it doesn't seem to be working. Perhaps I had to hit rock bottom in order to try to resurface. I feel like I'm still stuck at the bottom so I'm going to make my way up, inch by inch.

I heard my mom talking about how what we enjoyed doing as children would also make us content in our adult life. I'm sure they may be altered in some senses, as I don't intend on spending half my day playing with Barbies. I figure this is worth a shot though.

Things I liked as a child:

Listening to music
Legos
Reading
Singing and dancing around
Writing stories
Talking
Helping friends with problems
Learning about new things
Falling asleep watching movies
Playing house
Making relationships between my dolls
Being around people
Entertaining
Being near my family
Taking naps next to my dad and mom
Quality time

I also thought it might be a good start to write down what things are important to me in the important areas of my life and also write down some thoughts about what I want and don't want in those areas too.

Personal:

Confidence in myself and all my talents and abilities
It's important that I feel happy (not in a cliche way, but I want to feel it all over my body like I have in the past).
I want to travel and experience different cultures, languages, foods, people.
I need to experience Autumn at least once a year no matter which climate I'm living at.
I need to spend time outside
I want to learn how to cook new things
I need to have time to exercise (doing things I love-yoga, pilates, soccer, etc)
I want to always be involved in learning new things; whether through more schooling or taking classes here or there).
I want to be less judgmental towards myself and others
Take singing lessons
PATIENCE!
Volunteer to help out with children or people in need
Take a break when I need it
Not feel I need to be perfect in order to be successful
Be a master of communication
Less arguing and fighting
More love and understanding
More awareness of our fragility and lack of time on earth.

In Familial Relationships:

Better and more meaningful contact
Remember birthdays and special events
Write notes of thanks
Kinder words
More understanding
Less judging
Being around and available to their needs
Watch communication with sensitive subjects
Better Daughter, Sister, Aunt
More patience

In Intimate Relationships
Goals for myself:

More love
More forgiveness
Less fighting and arguing
More concentration on positive qualities
Better knowledge of wants and needs (what I'm willing to settle and compromise for, and what I'm not).
The ability to be more sensitive during hardships
The ability to breathe and relax
No baggage brought in
Knowing when and how to stop myself from getting into an argument when I know it's not constructive.
How to be constructive
How to express my needs in a meaningful manner
Not feeling like I have to always be right
Confidence in what I have to offer to someone else
Not basing my happiness on how someone else feels about or treats me
Feeling safe and secure about being open and honest in an intimate relationship
Better real communication
The ability to just forgive and really forget
To love someone for who they are and not who I want them to be
Appreciate all of the happy and amazing times
Make time for happy and amazing times
More spontaneity
More laughing
More simple pure love

Needs/Wants:
*Note-not a Want Ad*

The openness and honesty of a real friendship
Understanding of flaws and weaknesses
Supportive of my dreams and aspirations
Can challenge me
Has patience when times get hard or really anytime for that fact
I need quality time, it's my love language, it's how I feel loved
To feel appreciated for the things I do
Can communicate or is willing to open up
I need to be a main priority (I expect a lot, but I give a lot, too).
Safety and Security
To be touched and kissed and held
To feel validation for feelings, even when they don't make sense
Can cook a good steak
Doesn't snore
Doesn't take himself seriously
Needs to care about people
No Cockiness
Wants a strong family
No popped collars
Has to be willing to make sacrifices
Is willing to work on things to improve himself and his life even when it's hard
No woundering eyes
Can put effort into doing special things
Sensitive and attentive
Not afraid of commitment
Wants a home life
Has passions and dreams of his own
Hard worker
Physically attractive to me
Wants an equal partnership
Can give as well as take

I know I've got a long road ahead of me, but I feel hopeful that things will be okay. I feel scared and alone sometimes being so far away from others that love me and that I love; but, I suppose that sometimes to really enjoy what's good in life we must too experience what's horrible and hurtful. Nothing that is worth anything comes easily.

Breathing...an art I'm not familiar with.

2008-10-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think the majority of the problem is that I am just utterly exhausted. I seriously don't feel like I have any energy left to give anyone or anything, anything at all. I've been in school non-stop for five years. Not only am I going full-time but I also have been working the whole time I've been at school. I wish I were one of those lucky souls who has someone taking care of their expenses so that they just have to go to school. Working while going to school has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Literally this semester I'm at school and work form 9-5 and then have rehearsals from 6-11. The 30 hours of rehearsal a week, itself is like a full time job; but, top that with school and work and I am maxed out.

I feel particularly bad about this because I taking an Auditions class with a new faculty and she must thing I'm terrible. I think I'm terrible these days too. I just want to not act for like a year so that I can just be alive and breathe. There is a quote we talk about in class and it's something like, "Theatre is about life, life isn't about theatre." I haven't had time since I've come to school to really just live, it's always worry about money or classes or work or acting. I seriously don't know where I have gone. I feel partially dead and it makes me really sad. I just want a break. I want to bring back parts of myself that I haven't seen for years. Sigh.

How do I get there? That's the million dollar question.

Bells Bells

2008-09-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks of summer were great. Heidi came back from India and we've had our little sleepovers like old times with delicious meals a go go. I'm excited she is going to be taking some French cooking classes up north. She will be able to teach me some yummy things to cook from one of my motherlands. Chelsea came back form her mission and she has been a ray of sunlight. The girl is always happy and when she gets stressed she just gets happier, I don't know how she does it, but it's really entertaining for me. "I'll punch you in the face."

The house is great. My roommates are really great and I'm excited about how spacious things are. It's going to be a great year there and it's nice to have all of my things finally unpacked and in their places for the most part. Yay!!

So school has started. The first two days have past and I'm a mix of emotions.

I feel a little overwhelmed currently. Just with the sheer amount of things I have to get done in the next little while. Some things are due in a day-some in a month, but all are important and all require lots of time. Time, I'm not feeling like I have. Yesterday I surprised myself though and instead of getting all flustered I just thought about how I was going to go home and sit on my rug (new and from Ikea, yay!) and just sit and breathe in and out. The fact is that things are incredibly stressful, but it's not the end of the world and things will work themselves out. I suppose it doesn't hurt that I have a boyfriend and close friends telling me they're here for me, and asking what they could do to help. I've got it good at the end of the day.

It's good to be alive...now I'm just waiting for Autumn to come :)

5 Reasons I'm In Love With Kris (Not Inclusive Of Course)

2008-08-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

1. He has an amazing sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously. He teaches me not to either.

2. He is so handsome.

He gave me butterflies...

...And he still does.

3. He is incredibly talented and always surprises me with the music he creates.

4. He takes me on fun trips and takes care of me so I don't have to stress.

5. He teaches me to take one day at a time. He is patient with me and listens to my rantings and ravings...

Even when I look at him like this...

He is my opposite and he encourages me to calm down, breathe and live.

*****I love him so! We are M.F.E.O.*****

Good job, Magster!

2008-08-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

I've always heard that you should do something everyday that scares you. Today I did something that scared me. The adrenaline and anxiety came and I said to myself, ' I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I DON'T want to do this." And right after, I got up and did it anyway. I'm proud of myself!

bahhhhh..

2008-08-18T15:44:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, looking at my schedule for the upcoming semester, among other things. I'm going to stay calm though, because worrying never did me any good. One step at a time...

Okay good.

Breathe.

Everything is going to work out fine.

'Flying the friendly skies' (is there more than one?..wait a minute...)

2008-08-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

Two packets of salted peanuts, a two hour layover and two rather large (still packed) suitcases later and I'm back in Provo. It's not that exciting I must admit, I never get the fluttery feeling inside of me when I came here as I do when I go home to Vegas or Reno/Carson City. I suppose that comes with leaving everything that really matters to me hundreds of miles away. It feels weird to say I do it willingly, but I suppose I do. I could, when it comes down to it, drop everything here and go back (with varying consequences, however). It was nice to get away from things here though, this place is starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I just left my phone in my purse and decided to try and remove myself from anything that didn't deal with where I was, who I was currently with or family. It was nice and made me realize that there are some changes that I'm looking forward to implementing into my life now that I'm back here. I'm reading Eat Pray Love and I just got done reading a little bit about how hard it is for Americans to really do 'nothing.' Gilbert talks about how as Americans we overwork ourselves, even when we are on vacation we're really not capable of relaxing. I can relate wholeheartedly to commentary on this topic. I'm never able to just be. Just sit and do nothing. Mind ceasing to think, analyze, work. If I'm not doing everything to progress towards this glorified vision of my future then it's not going to happen, I fail. That's how I live. I fear the more I live like this, however, the less I will really be living. "The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life's achievement." I think this begs me to do things differently. Impossible? Feels like it.

Speaking of this book though, it's great. I was reminded on the plane while reading that there are few things that compare to the way I feel when I'm doing a couple things. These things free me from the daily patterns I get myself into that suffocate me. Things like listening to good music (not, 'oh hey thats catchy,' but music that moves you, makes you different, penetrates you) feeling the wind on my face (or smelling earth, experiencing a thunderstorm. nature.) reading a good book that you refuse (or can't) put down, laughing and spending genuine time with those who you have a special cosmic connection with (family, friends, lovers) etc. These things literally make me feel like my spirit is souring. Okay, so I'm not good at explaining myself, perhaps it's too personal to eloquently portray, but I feel alive at these times. I want more of this in my life. Less drama. So so so much less drama. In fact I'm committing myself to really trying to eliminate all drama from my life minus the drama that is synonymous with theatre, of course. Of course.

My last full-time semester starts in two weeks. It seems like Summer went by so fast and I didn't get many things done that I had planned on, but a break in any form from these last few stressful semesters was needed, in a very bad way. I'm excited about my senior project even though I know that the next 3 months are going to include d.) all of the above [blood, sweat and tears]. I'm scared out of my mind, but incredibly excited as well. I already feel pretty close to my character and I haven't really even gotten to know her yet (something I'm eager to do, might I add). I've got a lot of things ahead of me these next months, but with everything else I've learned, before I know it, it's all going to be but a memory. I hope I remember all the meaningful things that happen and am able to move on and learn from the challenges. A midyear resolution-I think so!

Pssh.

2008-08-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

I think people are annoying. Really really annoying. I can't help it. Say one thing, do another. It boils my blood. That's why I am just not going to care anymore. Super. Done and done.

The utensils of life

2008-08-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

My mind is always analyzing and thinking things through, but for some reason when I have to actually sit and really make some decisions I am at a loss. I don't know how to weight pros and cons because I can talk myself in and out of everything. I'm at a real fork in the road. I have so many mixed emotions that I feel like I'm completely stuck in the middle, unsure of where to go next. I hate this, I wondering if I'm pushing the inevitable away because I don't want to believe it. I feel ill.

Fun with the girls!

2008-07-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

I must say that there is nothing like a bad hair day...and I've been having many of those as of late. Once my hair starts growing I start hating it more and more. So today, I was very proactive and I went to the Metropolitan Urban Hair Salon here on University Ave and got my hair cut. I really like it, I got it styled in a wavy way and I hope that tomorrow after a shower I can get the same look. But then again, your hair never looks the same as when you got it done at the salon. I'm going to cross my fingers that it will look nice at least and that I can somehow master the technique.

Tracey, Barta, Paula-her long time friend and myself went and saw Mamma Mia. I must say I was pretty apprehensive about it, considering it's a musical and we all know how I hate Grease (I know that sounds limiting and perhaps general, but you don't know how much I loathe Grease). Anyway, I thought it was delightful and I must say that I laughed and even ....well, yeah, okay I cried-but not because I'm a wussy, so don't even think about making fun of me!! I thought it was cast well and the comic timing was pretty on-for me at least. Anyway, if you have a chance I think it's worth seeing. Yay Meryl!!!

Day O' Plenty

2008-07-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

I had several bananas that were reaching old age and so I decided to put them out of their misery. Life gave me bananas and thusly I made Bananna Bread. :) It finally cooled off and I had a slice, it was so moist and yummy!

I also made a pasta salad with cucumbers, peppers, red onions, green onions, garlic, broccoli and cauliflower. I added some Parmesan cheese and it was a lovely lunch, indeed.

Now I think I'm going to use those lemons in the fridge and make some lemonade.

Life has been good to me today.

What I'm thankful for..

2008-07-15T16:07:00.001-07:00

*I looked in my bank account and I have .57 cents. My first reaction would be to be pissed that I don't have any money, but this time I just took a deep breath and felt thankful that I at least have that amount in my bank, and am not overdrawn. I think I have been overdrawn once in my life and it was because of an error but generally I feel pretty lucky, with my .57 cents and all. I don't have a lot of money ever, but I usually have enough. :)

*I'm thankful for my family, who all happen to be very strong and know a thing or two about endurance.

*I'm thankful for my boyfriend because he's sensitive and willing to do anything to make me happy-even when what I ask for is impossible.

*I'm thankful for my friends, many of which can tell me when I'm being unreasonable or illogical.

I have a lot to be thankful, but those are just a couple of things that come to mind at the moment.

p.s. my Dad just sent me this jewel a few minutes ago. I laughed out loud-My Dad's shorts and mustache among other things are so classic-ahh the old days.

YES!!

2008-07-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

I just got an e-mail from Urban Outfitters-"First look at Fall." OHHHH-it makes me so happy to know that Autumn is just around the corner-kind of. The fact that the fall collection is going to be coming out soon just makes me giddy. I LOVE YOU AUTUMN!! You are my destiny.

This is what boredom looks like...

2008-07-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

Kris and I had an addition to the family. He finally made his way to me (he has been spending time with his father for the first couple weeks of his birth). His name is Bernard Dino, Dino for short. He already has quite the personality and enjoys playing the guitar and dressing just like his father.

*Like Father like Son*

Dino has some siblings and cousins that have already found great joy in having another little one around. Kingsley is out eldest and enjoys reading and learning (just like his mom). He is very lovable and has really helped me through some hard times-he's much wiser than his age.

We adopted Babs just a bit ago and have really enjoyed her wonderful spirit around the house. She's always very attentive and looking
for ways to make people smile. She is also the typical girlie girl in the family, always playing with her dolls and fixing her hair. Another past time of hers is doing math calculations. She enjoys money and math.

Monkey is currently with his father-unfortunately we don't have any photos of him :( Although we'll get some up here eventually. Monkey enjoys dancing rigorously and making us all laugh with the things that come out of his mouth. "Kids say the darndest things," that's for sure.

Van is our artist, he is always wanting to color and draw and just show off his way of looking at the world through his creations. He is one of the two cousins which happen to live with us.

November is the other cousin. He has quickly found a friend in Dino as each love music and playing the guitar. They are talking about starting a band together, but currently are just have jam sessions in the garage to occupy their time.

I'm primarily the one in charge of these little rascals (with the exception of Monkey-he can't stand to be away from his father) while I'm finishing school. Kris is working full time and always looking for chances to move up the corporate ladder and I just have a little school left. But, very soon we'll all get to take trips to the park and the lake and enjoy some quality time together.

Some more things that make me smile..

2008-07-08T20:36:00.001-07:00

The smell of a rain storm coming on

Laughing with friends

Going to the gym

Organizing and writing things down

Going to concerts with Val

The thought of graduating college

Singing

Sleeping in late and not waking up to an alarm

Waving the White Flag...Lessons on Surrendering

2008-07-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

I always feel that when one thing goes wrong more things are bound to follow. I'm not the best at handling situations that constantly develop and add on and on and on to each other; I get overwhelmed easily and often times I just hold up the white flag and want to give up and surrender to whatever it is that comes my way. I cringe at the possibility of this, but perhaps I'm a defeatist in one way for another. I feel like my whole life I've been struggling against something and perhaps I just don't feel like doing it anymore. It does take a lot of energy and quite frankly, I don't feel like I have a lot of that left.

I'm glad that I have Kris, he makes me feel like whatever it is that is happening, we can get through it. He takes my burdens on him and only wants to see me be happy. I always feel reluctant to allow him to help me and I don't know why. I always feel bad when I have to ask for help or support even though I probably need it more often then I would ever like to admit.

I don't even want to think of where to start. I just want to...not have to worry or stress. I wish it was all easier.

2008-06-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

A Silhouette of the Dead Against the Wall

There is a silhouette against the wall and only I can see it.
It’s making a journey with the black dog.
It’s darkness is infinite and the only light that comes is from behind.
The silhouette against the wall.
It’s framed so perfectly, but no one can see the darkness that creates it.
I’m the only one who can see the silhouette against the wall.
It’s dead.

Boo.

2008-06-24T17:46:00.001-07:00

I can feel a migraine coming on and I'm suddenly in a really crabby mood and I have idea why. Not knowing why just makes me more annoyed. I want to just lay down and not think about it, but if I take a nap now, I'm not going to be able to fall asleep tonight, which again, will make me more annoyed. Oh man.

Top Chef

2008-06-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

So, my kitchen smells amazing right now. I'm making homemade Split Pea soup and corn bread. My mom used to make it when we were younger and my dad kept asking my mom to make it for him this week. So she did-and in return I became jealous and decided I had to make it as well. It's a simple recipe (split peas, onions, cut up pieces of bacon and pepper-my mom also cuts up carrots and potatoes too, but I skipped this step as I haven't had a paycheck in a while and funds are reaching an all time low- ah the joys of trying to get through college). Anyway, it is nearly finished after an hour of simmering and I just took the corn bread out of the oven- it's golden brown and I can't wait to partake. Mmmm.

Preparing this made me realize how excited I am to start cooking for a husband and eventually little kiddies. It makes me think about what kinds of things I want to teach my kids about family and food. Kris and I talked about how it was important to both of us to eat as a family with no TV or phones distracting us. I think that so many amazing things can be learned from each other; and, sitting in front of the TV during mealtimes is one of the worst things a family could do, in my opinion. You miss out on so much and you set-up a pattern for your kids to not communicate or open up. I know it's easier said then done, but for my family I'm going to make it a huge priority.

Yay for yummy delicious food and yay for starting a future with the one you love.

This is how we do

2008-06-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that I love my job sometimes. In case any of you don't know, I am a Stage Manager for DAP (Division of Design and Production) here at the performance arts building at BYU. I have a computer, a TV with cable and after I get done setting stuff up and making sure everything is ready I usually just get to sit around and do whatever I want. For the most part I enjoy the people that I work with and I get paid pretty well too. Hooray for me!!!

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So I was talking to Morag and she commented on how all of my blogs seem so dark and that people are probably going to think I'm depressed. Well, I guess the sad truth is that a lot of the time when I feel prompted to write it's because I'm dealing with something challenging. A lot of people document happy things and don't write anything when things get hard, but perhaps I'm opposite. It's definitely a release. Maybe I will make it a point to be more balanced when I write, but when it comes down to it I suppose I don't really care what people think when they read my blog, my good friends know me and I know myself. Blogging for me is more personal than social, I'm not trying to fool anyone or paint some perfect picture. When I look back on life it's the challenging times I went through that helped to shape me the most, anyway.

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On a positive note, Kris and I have been talking about marriage a lot more seriously lately. I must say, I am extremely excited. Things haven't always been easy for the both of us. But, I think most of all I'm proud that our love, attraction, appreciation and respect for one another has transcended the horrific set-backs of a long-distance relationship. Many people say it's impossible, and there were/are times when I tend to side with that opinion, but to be honest it has helped me to learn and understand what parts of my life need growth and progression. I'm thankful for that.

The Future Mr. and Mrs. Villines

We're planning a June wedding next year. That way I can minimize the stress as I'm trying to graduate and audition for grad schools during Winter semester. We have found some rings that we adore and have tentatively found the perfect place in Tahoe for the wedding and reception as well. I don't think either of us has been this excited for a while. It seems incredibly daunting with all the details and money and such, but getting to be with the one I love for the rest of my life makes all of those other things not seem so bad.

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On another positive note I found a place to live for Fall and Winter. I apologize about the quality, but this is a blurry pic I took for Kris to show him the house initially when I was looking to rent it. They are redoing the roof right now, so thats why it looks weird. The house is like four houses down and across the street from where I've been living the last two years so it's nice I won't have to move so far away. It's still close to campus, transportation, friends, etc. It's a funny story how I found it, and probably not that exciting to write about so if you're curious I can tell, if not, all that matters is I finally found a place to live. I can finally stop thinking about the horrible thing that happened to put me in this position and be happy that I'm living in a cool house.

I'm going to explode.

2008-06-09T01:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I make up unbelievably false stories in my mind about how wonderful things are and then in turn have to suffer in real life when I realize that they are horribly untrue. Now I have the pleasure of sitting up all night thinking about this. Yes. Thank you indeed. Nausea and headache to follow. F.

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It's now after 5 in the morning. As a side note, it's hard to fall asleep to the birds chirping their morning songs of thanksgiving. Sometimes I wish I was a bird. I doubt they have nausea or headaches. Both of which I successfully predicted I would have. Check and Check.

...

2008-06-08T23:03:00.001-07:00

Maybe I was wrong.

Still giddy

2008-06-07T00:08:00.000-07:00

I really am lucky. I think I kind of take it for granted. It's hard being back here and it seems like forever until timing is the way I want it, but I guess maybe I need to just sit back and enjoy where we're at right now. Sometimes things are easier said then done though.

"A thousand times a day I tell you I love the way you sing
Even though it makes me cry, it’s my favorite time to be alive
And all I know is I feel lost without you
“I miss you” is not enough...

And we told each other we would be forever
And since that day we had our share of problems
And now we know that it’s hard but better together
Oh, yeah, it’s better together." (1000 Times A Day-T.E.N.)

Inspiration.

2008-06-05T12:59:00.001-07:00

I want to make a difference and do something big, but I'm not quite sure what that is yet. I've been inspired this last little while, but no concrete thoughts have come to me as to what I should do. Maybe once I get out of this rut I'm in, somethings will become clear to me.

Cycles

2008-06-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling sentimental right now. I'm never really sure how to deal with myself at times like these.

I can hear the rain dripping from the roof. It's a perfect sound. I think I might go walk out in it.

Good thoughts to fill the void of the night.

2008-06-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

I figured I would end the night with some good thoughts. Hopefully I won't be woken up again tonight.

"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"

So, these are a few of my favorite things.

Clean sheets.
Clean anything, really
Reading plays
Acting
Wind blowing on my face
Shade beneath trees
Having pillows surrounding me when I sleep
Hanson
Kissing Kris to the beat of the opening song of The Office
Having conversations with random strangers
Otter Pops
M.A.C. Makeup
Checking things off my 'to-do' list
The feeling of autumn
Progressing
Dreaming of making impossible things possible
Watching Home Improvement with Kris
Making dinner
Paying the bills and having money left in the bank. (It doesn't happen often, but its nice)
Walking out of the house and feeling really put together and attractive
Opening the door for people/People opening the door for me

I don't want to stop, but I shall so I can wake up and be productive tomorrow. So until next time-may the stars align for us all!

An unwelcomed visitor

2008-06-03T12:52:00.000-07:00

So. I was laying down in bed and I heard the sound of the screen on a window moving. I wake up and there is a shadow of someone coming into my room (in Vegas) I start to get scared and jump up on my bed as he fully enters into the room and I catch a glimpse of his face. He's white, young, dressed kind of like a basketball jock, in his mid to late twenties. I start to scream as he grabs me but nothing comes out of my mouth. It's like I'm hoarse. I try screaming again, nothing comes out, I start to freak out. I gasp and wake up in real life.

This is a problem for several reasons. One-I already have a hard time dealing with murder/rape/violence/kidnappings, etc. I can't deal with them. The thought of dieing by those means occupies my mind rather frequently. Two-once these images and ideas come to my mind they are hard for me to let go of. I sat up the rest of the morning (I woke up around 5 something in the morning) thinking about what I would do to get away from this guy if it had really happened, and then getting upset when I realize that it would be nigh impossible to do so if he had a gun, knife, or multiple people helping him. Then I thought about what kind of physical defense I could use, and that got me upset again when my mind reminded me that men are much stronger then women (esp. in upper body strength) and that even if I try my hardest the chances of me getting away are pretty slim. Then these scenes keep playing in my mind. Well, what if my Dad was home...he's getting older, what if the man hurts my Dad. What if my Mom comes to help? I don't want her to be hurt. What do I do? All the while I'm consciously telling myself to think of happy things, ask someone up above to help to clear these thoughts, etc, etc. Some images of autumn trees come to mind, the beach, wind blowing, and then my mind takes a turn back and the horrible thoughts continue.

Needless to say I didn't sleep much. I went on my computer and looked at some dream dictionaries online, one of them said that the dream was telling me I need to watch out because something bad is going to happen, and its my subconscious telling me. So, obviously THAT made me feel better :/ I got off the computer and tried to sleep, but I just laid there and watched the time pass.

Now I'm kind of in a bad mood. Not meaning to be, but finding it hard to recuperate from that experience. I don't know what the deal is. I haven't been abused ever or had anything traumatic happen that deals with that kind of violence. Why do I have such a hard time with those things? Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy with the things my mind congers. I bet it will become worse when I'm older and have a husband and children to worry about. I'm going to see what I can do about it. It bothers me.

Back and in action

2008-06-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Provo. I'm bored and feeling a little depressed. I've noticed when I don't do things for long periods of time I have a lot of "think time" to myself and then I just start feeling bad about all of the things I'm not doing or should be doing. I was talking with Tracey about that yesterday when she drove me home from the airport. She said she felt the same way. I think it has something to do with personalities. Ever since I was little I've always been involved in so many things. So much that I'm usually overwhelmed. Sometimes I joke about "Not having it any other way," and I guess it's true. I complain about having so much on my plate, but I would rather that then to sit around feeling depressed and useless. Blah.

I went for a run yesterday and did some exercises afterwards. It made me feel good. I couldn't fall asleep though for several hours. And that is why I am waking up at 12 in the afternoon. Yikes. I'm hoping to continue exercising for the remainder of the year quite hard so that I can feel comfortable at my graduate school auditions in Feb as well as in my headshots I need to take and in the shows I should be acting in, in the upcoming months. My tool is my body and I really need to get it in it's best possible shape in order to have the best shots at growing and progressing towards my goals.

It's weird being back here. I really miss Kris. It feels weird to be away from him. Another year seems like an eternity. I'm sure it will go by rather quickly. Hopefully it will anyway.

Autumn please come back

2008-05-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like my whole face is melting off. I don't think I've been this hot in a very very long time. Yesterday I just sat around and watched movies with Kris's parents because not moving at all was the best cure I could think of in trying to cool myself off. Their air conditioner is broken and apparently no one works on the weekends in this city. I'm moody and I just want to sit in a bath of ice, while sucking on an Otter Pop!

Major/Minor

2008-05-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

I'm washing the sheets. Few things compare to some fresh sheets on the bed. I'm going to do some additional laundry, clean up the room, open the windows and let in some fresh air. Yes, that sounds very nice indeed.

Perhaps an afternoon jog will be in order as well. I've been taking a much needed break, but I'm starting to feel like a lazy bum. I've never just sat around and relaxed as much as I have these last few weeks. Eat, sleep, and shower. Those are the activities of a champion. At least for one who needed a major vacation.

I'm looking forward to getting in touch with some old friends. I miss them so and a part of me wants to feel what I used to feel in the past.

I'm trying to decided when I want to graduate. I can do it in December, but staying another semester might yield some additional opportunities. I don't want to cheat myself of anything, but at the same time I really want to be done with school. I have friends who are younger than me graduating before me. I guess essentially it's not a race. This is my life. I need to choose what's best for me and my future.

Something that annoys me. When people talk badly about others and then act nice to them. I've never found out how that works. Wouldn't that be exhausting? It's exhausting for me to witness. I'd rather have no friends, then have a trillion friends who I secretly break down. Deceptive. I'd rather people know my feelings towards them. I'm not going to be
a bit*h about it, but at least I can feel like I'm being honest. I have the unfortunate presence of knowledge and assertiveness in my life. Ignorance is bliss and ignorance is something that probably won't be a primary attribute in my life. I'm lucky aren't I? It complicates things. I think I need to start somethings over. Something is out of key. Perhaps an investigation is in order.

One brain needed ASAP. Contact Maggie with any inquiries.

2008-05-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

And yet here I am again. Trying to figure everything out. It seems impossible and I feel like throwing up. These are the times when you just feel stiff. Not sure really what to say, even though you know something needs to be said. I just want my brain to work right now. I need it to work so it can make sense of everything that is running through my mind.

A start.

2008-05-02T19:32:00.001-07:00

One lesson I learned today-I need to keep my mouth shut all of the time. I really hate the drama that comes with opening ones mouth and today I'm making it a goal to not say anything bad about anyone or any situation again, unless it's straight to the person or the situation. This way I won't have to add any unnecessary drama into my life with the "he said/ she said" crap.

I hate drama, I hate everything about it and this is going to be my way to not contribute to it. It's going to be hard, but I think it will be worth it. So don't anyone be offended when you're telling me about an annoyance or bad habit of someone or something and I don't have a response. I'll listen but don't expect me to contribute or agree or try and make anyone feel justified. I'm keeping my thoughts to myself.

I feel like I have so much to say, but perhaps it's not worth it.

_____________________________________________________

I got a childhood book at the bookstore a couple of days ago. I loved this book when I was younger. I was such a reader in those days and there are a couple of books that have really stuck with me. This is one of them. Phantom Tollbooth. Read it if you haven't already. It's lovely. I'm in Carson now with Kris, and I had to get some books to keep me company while he is as he says, "bringing home the bacon for our kingdom." :) I think this book should do for now. I'll read it fast, but it will be a great comfort to me.

He takes care of me. I love that. It's very comforting. I've seen a lot of growth from him. It's really a great thing. We both have some improvements to be made, but I think that we're both growing, and together too, which is a really amazing feeling.

We're going to San Francisco tomorrow to go see a show. Kris is going to show me around. I'm excited, I've never been. I love taking trips with him. I'm excited to go to a new city. I love to travel. I wish I did it more. I wonder if I should bring the new pillow cases Kris got me for my birthday. They make me happy. Since we are the King and the Queen, it fits quite well. I need to get them washed before we leave if I want to take them. hmm.

I think karma is a great thing. I can currently think of a couple of situations that warrant a smile. It sounds kind of bad, but I'm quite enjoying what I know.

I miss my old friends.

I wish I knew what to do in difficult situations. I wish I had all the answers, but I guess I wouldn't learn much, now would I?

Sediments

2008-04-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

Sometime I feel like I'm being slowly chiseled away.

I try and get things fixed but there is only so much that I can do. I feel like I'm just saying the same things over and over. I usually try and look at things in a bigger picture and I know that if things continue like this I'll be chiseled away into nothing. I hate it. I want it fixed, because I know the process in myself when it isn't.

I'm at a loss for what to do.

Morag

2008-04-16T17:38:00.001-07:00

This is Morag. She thinks I don't love her, so I dedicate this blog to her in hopes that she will see how much I do care.

She is super talented and wrote the play that I was just in. She writes lots of plays, one could call her a playwright. She has been the greatest of friends and is always there to hear me ramble on about something. She has a handsome husband, Mitch and a lovely doggie named Dash, who she always has a picture of, on her phone.

She likes to laugh and have fun all the time. She is a joy to be around. :) She shops at Nordstrom's and likes to buy new jeans and shoes. She has a boob hole. She says lots of witty things.

I have a headache otherwise I would write lots more about this lovely friend of mine.

I love Morag, and so should you!

The things that I've done...and the things I should be doing.

2008-04-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

Only two more days of school (+ one week of finals)!! I am stressed, but really excited at the prospect of not having to be on such a time constraint.

I went to a study session (where I brilliantly didn't bring any writing utensils-awesome) and then spent the rest of the day/night at the library trying to catch up on everything that I've been putting off because of the show.

The rest of Roofsliding went well, it ended last weekend. It's kind of weird, putting all of that time and effort into something and then it just ending. We all tore down the huge set together- it went down so fast. I wanted to keep something from the set, but I'm trying not to be such a pack rat. I got an amazing amount of wonderful feedback from the show. I'm really excited that so many people enjoyed the acting. It makes me feel pretty great, because lot of blood, sweat and tears went into it.

Val and Tim came down to see the show March 27th. It was a bit stressful for them, as their tire blew out a little over halfway here and I didn't know if they were going to make it. They did and we all went out for some mediocre food afterwards. I'm thankful to have such wonderful support. Val hasn't missed a performance yet.

My birthday was pretty awesome, I had school and the show but I have good friends, so it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. Kris sent me a large bouquet of my favorite flowers-lilies-they were so beautiful. They made the house smell so lovely and they definitely made me happy every time I saw them.

My parents came to see the two last shows. They seemed to really like it. They bought me flowers as well and so I had the best smelling house for miles :) I didn't get to spend as much quality time with them as I had hoped. I get kind of weird about them leaving. I have huge issues with death and loss, etc. I am hoping to spend a few weeks down in Vegas over the summer; after I graduate, at least right now, I'm anticipating returning there for a little bit. Kris and his band came through on Thursday, the night before closing and that was fun/a little stressful at times. Kris was really sick, my parents took him to the urgent care place because he was really really bad. I tried to take care of him the best I could, but he needed medicine ASAP! Turns out he has an pneumonia :( I felt kind of helpless, and the fact that I only got see him for one night didn't make it better. He's slowly getting better and started work again a couple of days ago. A pneumonia isn't something play around with, that is for sure. I'm positive that it he had stayed on tour he would have not been so lucky.

Shortly after Kris left, I got sick myself. I'm not really sure what it is that I have, but as soon as I started feeling something, I began drinking water like you would not believe. It helped, but each day something else starts hurting. Amidst all of this I got pink eye and have had to wear my glasses more than I even have wanted to. They are cute, but the prescription I can tell is a bit off from my contacts so I have been getting pretty intense headaches, to top everything off. I can't understand how I got sick, I'm a moderate germ-a-phob (I'm the type of person to turn the sink off with a paper towel and open the door with a paper towel, etc). I'm clean, very clean, but I think my immune system most have been getting down from the lack of sleep and stomach/digestive issues that have been ensuing as of the past couple of months.

I have a lot to take care of in the last couple of days for school. I've got lots to read, lots to write, and lots to memorize. I'm not too confident in myself for some of the GE finals, but I'm going to do my best and hope that I won't have to retake anything. Perfection has been such a huge part of my life, but I think this is a great time to let it go. It's going to be painful, but I've had a jam packed year and I'm lucky to be getting out alive.

blah.

2008-04-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

I feel unheard.

It hurts me

2008-04-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm getting sick. I have so much to say. I tired. My head hurts, maybe later I can be intellectual with my words. Probably not, but maybe.

Midnight ramblings

2008-03-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I should be going to sleep, or practicing for my Musical Scene Study final for Sunday in the Park with George. Time goes by too fast, I feel like I can never catch up.

My birthday is in three days, whoooooo hoooooo. The big 2-3. I have a show that night and school all day, so that should be awesome.

Kris is on tour. He is sick. It makes me feel sad that I can't do anything to help him feel better. He is coming to Provo on Thursday! I have a show-I might not get to see him play.

My parents are coming into town to see my show. I'm excited. I haven't seen my parents since Christmas, which is a crazy long time. I miss them so.

I like my friends. Brighton and I had some fun adventures on Saturday, I'll have to write about them later.

My back hurts.

I watched a disturbing movie today, Elephant. And then I looked at Columbine shooting websites all day because of it. I feel not good. I can't comprehend people.

Opposite planets...

2008-03-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

I feel like crying right now. I hate getting into arguments. It's the worst thing.

Sometimes I feel really misunderstood. I know that there are always two things going on and anyone who has a brain can think about things from another person's perspective, but while you're in the moment, there seems to be a conscious choice to focus on your own perspective, because after all that is the reason for which you are arguing. I know that sometimes I can say things that are hurtful or might not even be true in the moment, but I get angry when I don't feel like I'm being heard.

I don't like confrontations. I like getting things solved and moving on with life. I have a hard time concentrating on anything else if things are unsettled between me and someone I love and care about. I don't know if it is a fault, or if it's something else, but it paralyzes me. Everyone gets into arguments, I just like solving them because I think life is too short and why waste time feeling like this when things can just be reconciled. I'm tired and I have a lot that I need to get done. I just wanted to talk to him because he makes my perspective wider and helps me feel better about things. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but it matters immensely to me.

The reaction was bad, but the concern was genuine. Now what do I do?

Who stole the clip from the toiletry bin...was it.....YOU!?!?!

2008-03-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

So my number one pet peeve HAS to be when people take my stuff without asking, especially if when I go to use said item and it's not in its correct place (as I place everything in it's appropriate space when I am done using it).

I'm pissed off right now. My damn clip that I use to blow dry my hair every morning is surprisingly missing....Oh and no one knows where it could have gone....hmmm....so crazy, huh?

UHHHHHHHHH!! Seriously, everyone needs to keep their hands off of my sh*t!!!! If it's not yours and you haven't asked to use it, its not ok.

I feel like screaming a long string of profanities right now.

I can't wait until I don't have freaking roommates anymore. I hate it.

Decorations...

2008-03-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!

I thought today was going to be awful because it's Easter, I'm in Provo, Utah with no family, no food to make a decent dinner, no roommates here and some studying that has been looming over my head. I ended up talking with an old friend and she invited me over to her parents house and I had such a great time. It was nice to be around a family that is kind of hectic, it reminded me of home. I wish I had more things like that happening in my life, it helps me to get out of Provo and experience something real.

I like this cartoon. It made me happy last Easter and I wanted to see it again this Easter. It's a keeper.

A Nap in the Sun

2008-03-22T16:20:00.001-07:00

So I got an 81% on my nutrition exam....not the best, but better than the 73% and 75% I've gotten on the last two exams. Now I have to combat my Physical Science exam this Monday. The outlook doesn't look as good. I have study several hours for these tests in the past and have gotten a 60% both times...I wonder what not studying at all will yield. It's not going to be pretty, I can tell you that.

My play has started. Opening night was last night and everyone seemed to really enjoy it. It's such a great cast, and everyone is doing such an amazing job.

I took a nap out on the grass after I took my test. The sun was shining on my face and I feel right asleep. I was supposed to go on the grass and study, that didn't happen, and I should be studying right now, but now it seems pretty pointless. Hmm, what am I to do?

No please no!!

2008-03-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

It's time to go to bed and one thing is missing.

Kris.

It's time to let go....

2008-03-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

I'm a little annoyed right now. I think people need to know when to just let things go.

On another note, I love Kris. I miss him dearly, even though he only left a couple of hours ago. He really makes my life more amazing by being in it. He does a lot for me, more then I think I even recognize-these last few days are just a reminder of that. I want him to come back here right now and never have to leave my side again. It's only a matter of time before I get the hell out of here and make that a reality. I hope these 9 months go by fast.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode with all the crap I have to deal with.

The walk home...

2008-03-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

Today is an absolutely beautiful day.

I got out of class early (one of my classes got canceled, and the other I don't have anymore!!).

There is something really amazing about walking home in weather like this, listening to good music, and feeling the breeze on your face. I just want to get a hammock and lay in it until the sun goes down. mmmm.

I've got lots of little things to get done today. Kris is coming in late tomorrow and I can't wait to see his face. The thought of him coming and making me feel good has been one of the only things that has gotten me through the last couple of days. I love how he's such a compliment to me (God only knows how much I would want to kill myself if he was exactly like me).

Today is going to be okay!

Laundry time.

blah.

2008-03-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I try to be helpful it just somehow backfires?

I don't even know what happened.

Ears

2008-03-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

It's interesting how people expect sympathy and tolerance from people but they don't seem as willing to give it.

I'm not a machine. I'm a person.

No more cake please...

2008-03-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

So, we're waiting for our show to begin. My stomach is starting to hurt thinking about all of the cake that I'm going to have to eat throughout the run of the show. Uh. They cut me a huge piece yesterday and by the time I was laying down in bed my stomach was telling me that this is not a good idea. I think we're going to have to do smaller pieces because I don't want to have to be eating that everynight.

I'm tired.

I miss Kris. A lot.

I'm stressed out because my mom said that when I turn 23 I'm off her insurance. We both thought it was 24 or 25. I've got to figure something out. Being without health insurance is kind of a fear of mine.

hmm.

A little time with thick spears...

2008-03-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

So I was cooking dinner today and thought I would look on the internet and see if there was any special tricks with cooking asparagus. Instead I came across this vivid description of a favorite food of mine:

Asparagus spears can be thick or thin. Some people prefer one kind over another but size is not necessarily an indicator of quality. Thicker spears may have tougher, woodier ends, but these are broken off before cooking anyway. The key is to select straight, firm, uniformly sized spears with closed tips.

To hell with cooking, I want something else now...

SoUnDs

2008-03-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

Tech week for the play is going pretty well. We're all getting pretty restless sometimes though and potty breaks tonight were too far and in between. I was crossing my legs a lot and rocking in the chair waiting for the time when I could dash off stage to the nearest restroom.

It always feels good to go pee after you've been holding it for three hours. I love that feeling. It can be pretty exciting ;)

I wish I knew how to do the inevitably bad things, correctly. Someday I'll learn how to communicate better to those I love. I recognize I have some faults in that area, even though I fancy communication to be a strong point in my life. I guess we all have to learn that we're not always right with the things we perceive in ourselves.

My production class ends after Friday and then that is 6 hours during the week that open up for me. There isn't much left for us to do. Today we helped to clean out the paint storage in the scene shop. I had to eventually get a face mask because the paint that was "bad," really was BAD!! It's considered toxic waste and you actually have to dispose of it in certain bins. It's weird. I knew paint could get bad, but really, it's like food and it grows mold, and the smell is unbearable. It smells worse than the dead animals I had to dissect in High School...and let me tell you, that was horrible. I wonder what Friday will bring me...hopefully not more moldy paint or lids that are impossible to twist off.

uh.

2008-03-09T14:45:00.001-07:00

There are a couple of pet peeves for which I have been reminded annoy the hell out of me, currently, flakiness takes the cake, though. It seriously makes my blood boil. I can't comprehend it.

Suntines

2008-03-08T22:27:00.000-08:00

9 more months

89

2008-03-05T22:13:00.001-08:00

Today has been a long day.

I think it's unprofessional to compare actors especially publicly, way to boost the morale. And I'm pretty sure that's not what they do as Equity rules. You. 7. You 89. Yeah, thats right everyone. 89. ::oh my gosh:: Good try. I'm pretty sure things would have been a lot different in the beginning had this been an equity show, so it's not just us that needs a reprimanding.

I think that before anyone gives people notes about picking things up they should look at what they can improve to pick things up too because I'm pretty sure that we would be owed a lot of money also for our time wasted. But we have to forgive and forget, right, because we're just silly actors.

Uh.

Man, I feel like a Woman!!

2008-03-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

My stomach hurts, enough said about that.

Publicity photos are today for my show. That should be exciting. I wish I would have gotten that haircut I was talking about, now I'm going to be all paranoid about it. Oh well. I went to school without mascara on, so I wouldn't have to wash my mascara off before I redid my make-up. I feel a little bare without it, but I feel ok.

I wish I was in Carson with Kris. I feel so happy when I am there. I miss Val too. Boo. I need some old familiarity, that'll do the trick. That'll treat the sickness.

I'm hungry.

Headache

2008-03-03T17:59:00.001-08:00

I have a headache. A normal happening. I think that it is due to several things: being at school for over 10 hours, hunger, the heinous writings of students that I have to grade, thoughts of undone homework, and lack of sleep.

I'm looking forward to getting some groceries. I want some fresh fruits and veggies, among other things. I'm looking forward to a long needed haircut. It's been too long.

No rehearsal tonight, hopefully I'll get the chance to use the time wisely.

I love that Kris cooks. It makes me feel like I'll be taken care of. I wish I was in Carson to partake of what he's making for dinner tonight. I'm impressed that BBQ'd asparagus in on the list. Anything that he puts in his mouth that is green I am proud of :)

A focus on the edge

2008-03-02T10:16:00.000-08:00

I've decided I wanted to start writing my blogs on here instead of MySpace. Why? I couldn't really tell you. Maybe it seems more legit. Maybe one day I'll delete my MySpace and I would like to have these writings to look back on.

It's a beautiful day out. After being stuffed inside buildings all Winter it's nice to be able to open the window and smell some cold earthy air.

There is something this kind of weather does to me. It makes me want to clean, it makes me want to organize. It makes me want to go and do things and become a better person. It rejuvenates me and reminds me to live.

I'm listening to Kris's music, his ambient stuff. There is an interesting juxtaposition in it. It's happy and bright and then there are these denser tones that bring out some kind of deepness that makes you think about things and where you are. Most of his songs have this quality and it''s amazing because it has so many levels. It makes me think of my past and lures me into thinking about my future.

Sometimes I get really stressed thinking about things to come. It seems a little different this time. I'm super anxious about it, in a good way. For a little over four years it's been the same kind of speed. Lots of school. Lots of work. Lots of no time to myself. I guess I've always kind of been like that. Stuffing as much into my life as possible. In high school when I didn't have a job or homework, I had clubs, volunteering, performing, etc. I think it must be a personality thing. I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life if I'm not doing everything. Good motto and everything, but it takes its toll; because; while I'm doing everything I'm missing a lot of things that I want and need to be doing for myself and those I love. Catch 22, huh?

I can't guarantee that these qualities are going to change in me. What if this is innately in me, to always be saying I could do more? Never being content with what already is. It needs some work. Maybe I need to say I have the time for that.

After I graduate I'm going to make sure that things are different. Or at least have a hell of a time trying to take in what's in front of me, because at that time it's going to be someone amazing and I'm not going to let time with him diminish into thin air as I crowd myself with unimportant tasks and endless hours at work or school. I'm going to let what matters seep in and elevate me.