Bright.

The show is going well. I'm really pleased with how our rehearsals have been so productive. Everything seems to really be coming together. We went into the Margetts today and saw the beginnings of the set; we had our make-up training (they are airbrushing our make-up-like what they do for HD film; practically flawless); our costumes and aprons are all vintage and the show soundtrack is so beautiful. We're getting our Publicity photos done this Tuesday, which should hopefuly be fun :) I'm really excited about the whole thing. Scared, but excited. I can't believe there is less than two weeks before we go into Tech and three weeks until we open. Wow. All in all, I'm rather pleased. Yay!!!

I have really good roommates. I really like them. I'm fortunate. We had a good night.

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"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

-John Lennon

Getting back to me.

I'm trying to get back to this:


I'm not for sure if it's possible. I suppose one can't just go back to innocence. Isn't that one of the prices we pay for growing up? I wish I could so badly though. I wouldn't give up any of the experiences I've had, it just seems like it didn't take much to make me smile or laugh back then. I just want to be happy. I've lost myself somewhere along the road and I'm desperate to find where I went. I don't even know where to start. I've tried to distance myself from the things I haven't felt good about. I'm trying to be objective, but it doesn't seem to be working. Perhaps I had to hit rock bottom in order to try to resurface. I feel like I'm still stuck at the bottom so I'm going to make my way up, inch by inch.

I heard my mom talking about how what we enjoyed doing as children would also make us content in our adult life. I'm sure they may be altered in some senses, as I don't intend on spending half my day playing with Barbies. I figure this is worth a shot though.

Things I liked as a child:

• Listening to music
• Legos
• Reading
• Singing and dancing around
• Writing stories
• Talking
• Helping friends with problems
• Learning about new things
• Falling asleep watching movies
• Playing house
• Making relationships between my dolls
• Being around people
• Entertaining
• Being near my family
• Taking naps next to my dad and mom
• Quality time
  

I also thought it might be a good start to write down what things are important to me in the important areas of my life and also write down some thoughts about what I want and don't want in those areas too.

Personal:

• Confidence in myself and all my talents and abilities
  
• It's important that I feel happy (not in a cliche way, but I want to feel it all over my body like I have in the past).
• I want to travel and experience different cultures, languages, foods, people.
• I need to experience Autumn at least once a year no matter which climate I'm living at.
• I need to spend time outside
• I want to learn how to cook new things
• I need to have time to exercise (doing things I love-yoga, pilates, soccer, etc)
• I want to always be involved in learning new things; whether through more schooling or taking classes here or there).
• I want to be less judgmental towards myself and others
• Take singing lessons
• PATIENCE!
  
• Volunteer to help out with children or people in need
• Take a break when I need it
• Not feel I need to be perfect in order to be successful
• Be a master of communication
• Less arguing and fighting
• More love and understanding
• More awareness of our fragility and lack of time on earth.

In Familial Relationships:

• Better and more meaningful contact
• Remember birthdays and special events
• Write notes of thanks
• Kinder words
• More understanding
• Less judging
• Being around and available to their needs
• Watch communication with sensitive subjects
• Better Daughter, Sister, Aunt
• More patience

In Intimate Relationships
Goals for myself:

• More love
• More forgiveness
• Less fighting and arguing
  
• More concentration on positive qualities
• Better knowledge of wants and needs (what I'm willing to settle and compromise for, and what I'm not).
• The ability to be more sensitive during hardships
• The ability to breathe and relax
• No baggage brought in
  
• Knowing when and how to stop myself from getting into an argument when I know it's not constructive.
• How to be constructive
• How to express my needs in a meaningful manner
  
• Not feeling like I have to always be right
• Confidence in what I have to offer to someone else
• Not basing my happiness on how someone else feels about or treats me
• Feeling safe and secure about being open and honest in an intimate relationship
• Better real communication
• The ability to just forgive and really forget
• To love someone for who they are and not who I want them to be
• Appreciate all of the happy and amazing times
• Make time for happy and amazing times
• More spontaneity
  
• More laughing
  
• More simple pure love

Needs/Wants:
*Note-not a Want Ad*

• The openness and honesty of a real friendship
• Understanding of flaws and weaknesses
• Supportive of my dreams and aspirations
• Can challenge me
  
• Has patience when times get hard or really anytime for that fact
  
• I need quality time, it's my love language, it's how I feel loved
  
• To feel appreciated for the things I do
• Can communicate or is willing to open up
  
• I need to be a main priority (I expect a lot, but I give a lot, too).
• Safety and Security
• To be touched and kissed and held
• To feel validation for feelings, even when they don't make sense
  
• Can cook a good steak
• Doesn't snore
• Doesn't take himself seriously
  
• Needs to care about people
  
• No Cockiness
• Wants a strong family
• No popped collars
• Has to be willing to make sacrifices
• Is willing to work on things to improve himself and his life even when it's hard
  
• No woundering eyes
• Can put effort into doing special things
• Sensitive and attentive
• Not afraid of commitment
  
• Wants a home life
• Has passions and dreams of his own
• Hard worker
  
• Physically attractive to me
• Wants an equal partnership
• Can give as well as take

I know I've got a long road ahead of me, but I feel hopeful that things will be okay. I feel scared and alone sometimes being so far away from others that love me and that I love; but, I suppose that sometimes to really enjoy what's good in life we must too experience what's horrible and hurtful. Nothing that is worth anything comes easily.

Breathing...an art I'm not familiar with.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think the majority of the problem is that I am just utterly exhausted. I seriously don't feel like I have any energy left to give anyone or anything, anything at all. I've been in school non-stop for five years. Not only am I going full-time but I also have been working the whole time I've been at school. I wish I were one of those lucky souls who has someone taking care of their expenses so that they just have to go to school. Working while going to school has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Literally this semester I'm at school and work form 9-5 and then have rehearsals from 6-11. The 30 hours of rehearsal a week, itself is like a full time job; but, top that with school and work and I am maxed out.

I feel particularly bad about this because I taking an Auditions class with a new faculty and she must thing I'm terrible. I think I'm terrible these days too. I just want to not act for like a year so that I can just be alive and breathe. There is a quote we talk about in class and it's something like, "Theatre is about life, life isn't about theatre." I haven't had time since I've come to school to really just live, it's always worry about money or classes or work or acting. I seriously don't know where I have gone. I feel partially dead and it makes me really sad. I just want a break. I want to bring back parts of myself that I haven't seen for years. Sigh.

How do I get there? That's the million dollar question.