Midnight ramblings

I'm tired. I should be going to sleep, or practicing for my Musical Scene Study final for Sunday in the Park with George. Time goes by too fast, I feel like I can never catch up.

My birthday is in three days, whoooooo hoooooo. The big 2-3. I have a show that night and school all day, so that should be awesome.

Kris is on tour. He is sick. It makes me feel sad that I can't do anything to help him feel better. He is coming to Provo on Thursday! I have a show-I might not get to see him play.

My parents are coming into town to see my show. I'm excited. I haven't seen my parents since Christmas, which is a crazy long time. I miss them so.

I like my friends. Brighton and I had some fun adventures on Saturday, I'll have to write about them later.

My back hurts.

I watched a disturbing movie today, Elephant. And then I looked at Columbine shooting websites all day because of it. I feel not good. I can't comprehend people.

Opposite planets...

I feel like crying right now. I hate getting into arguments. It's the worst thing.

Sometimes I feel really misunderstood. I know that there are always two things going on and anyone who has a brain can think about things from another person's perspective, but while you're in the moment, there seems to be a conscious choice to focus on your own perspective, because after all that is the reason for which you are arguing. I know that sometimes I can say things that are hurtful or might not even be true in the moment, but I get angry when I don't feel like I'm being heard.

I don't like confrontations. I like getting things solved and moving on with life. I have a hard time concentrating on anything else if things are unsettled between me and someone I love and care about. I don't know if it is a fault, or if it's something else, but it paralyzes me. Everyone gets into arguments, I just like solving them because I think life is too short and why waste time feeling like this when things can just be reconciled. I'm tired and I have a lot that I need to get done. I just wanted to talk to him because he makes my perspective wider and helps me feel better about things. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but it matters immensely to me.

The reaction was bad, but the concern was genuine. Now what do I do?

Who stole the clip from the toiletry bin...was it.....YOU!?!?!

So my number one pet peeve HAS to be when people take my stuff without asking, especially if when I go to use said item and it's not in its correct place (as I place everything in it's appropriate space when I am done using it).

I'm pissed off right now. My damn clip that I use to blow dry my hair every morning is surprisingly missing....Oh and no one knows where it could have gone....hmmm....so crazy, huh?

UHHHHHHHHH!! Seriously, everyone needs to keep their hands off of my sh*t!!!! If it's not yours and you haven't asked to use it, its not ok.

I feel like screaming a long string of profanities right now.

I can't wait until I don't have freaking roommates anymore. I hate it.

Decorations...

Happy Easter!

I thought today was going to be awful because it's Easter, I'm in Provo, Utah with no family, no food to make a decent dinner, no roommates here and some studying that has been looming over my head. I ended up talking with an old friend and she invited me over to her parents house and I had such a great time.  It was nice to be around a family that is kind of hectic, it reminded me of home. I wish I had more things like that happening in my life, it helps me to get out of Provo and experience something real. 

I like this cartoon. It made me happy last Easter and I wanted to see it again this Easter. It's a keeper. 

A Nap in the Sun

So I got an 81% on my nutrition exam....not the best, but better than the 73% and 75% I've gotten on the last two exams. Now I have to combat my Physical Science exam this Monday. The outlook doesn't look as good. I have study several hours for these tests in the past and have gotten a 60% both times...I wonder what not studying at all will yield. It's not going to be pretty, I can tell you that.

My play has started. Opening night was last night and everyone seemed to really enjoy it. It's such a great cast, and everyone is doing such an amazing job.


I took a nap out on the grass after I took my test. The sun was shining on my face and I feel right asleep. I was supposed to go on the grass and study, that didn't happen, and I should be studying right now, but now it seems pretty pointless. Hmm, what am I to do?

No please no!!

It's time to go to bed and one thing is missing. 

Kris. 

It's time to let go....

I'm a little annoyed right now. I think people need to know when to just let things go. 

On another note, I love Kris. I miss him dearly, even though he only left a couple of hours ago. He really makes my life more amazing by being in it. He does a lot for me, more then I think I even recognize-these last few days are just a reminder of that. I want him to come back here right now and never have to leave my side again. It's only a matter of time before I get the hell out of here and make that a reality. I hope these 9 months go by fast. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode with all the crap I have to deal with. 

The walk home...

Today is an absolutely beautiful day.

I got out of class early (one of my classes got canceled, and the other I don't have anymore!!).

There is something really amazing about walking home in weather like this, listening to good music, and feeling the breeze on your face. I just want to get a hammock and lay in it until the sun goes down. mmmm.

I've got lots of little things to get done today. Kris is coming in late tomorrow and I can't wait to see his face. The thought of him coming and making me feel good has been one of the only things that has gotten me through the last couple of days. I love how he's such a compliment to me (God only knows how much I would want to kill myself if he was exactly like me).

Today is going to be okay!

Laundry time.

blah.

Why is it that when I try to be helpful it just somehow backfires?

I don't even know what happened.

Ears

It's interesting how people expect sympathy and tolerance from people but they don't seem as willing to give it.

I'm not a machine. I'm a person.

No more cake please...

So, we're waiting for our show to begin. My stomach is starting to hurt thinking about all of the cake that I'm going to have to eat throughout the run of the show. Uh. They cut me a huge piece yesterday and by the time I was laying down in bed my stomach was telling me that this is not a good idea. I think we're going to have to do smaller pieces because I don't want to have to be eating that everynight.

I'm tired.

I miss Kris. A lot.

I'm stressed out because my mom said that when I turn 23 I'm off her insurance. We both thought it was 24 or 25. I've got to figure something out. Being without health insurance is kind of a fear of mine.

hmm.

A little time with thick spears...

So I was cooking dinner today and thought I would look on the internet and see if there was any special tricks with cooking asparagus. Instead I came across this vivid description of a favorite food of mine:

Asparagus spears can be thick or thin. Some people prefer one kind over another but size is not necessarily an indicator of quality. Thicker spears may have tougher, woodier ends, but these are broken off before cooking anyway. The key is to select straight, firm, uniformly sized spears with closed tips.


To hell with cooking, I want something else now...

SoUnDs

Tech week for the play is going pretty well. We're all getting pretty restless sometimes though and potty breaks tonight were too far and in between. I was crossing my legs a lot and rocking in the chair waiting for the time when I could dash off stage to the nearest restroom.

It always feels good to go pee after you've been holding it for three hours. I love that feeling. It can be pretty exciting ;)

I wish I knew how to do the inevitably bad things, correctly. Someday I'll learn how to communicate better to those I love. I recognize I have some faults in that area, even though I fancy communication to be a strong point in my life. I guess we all have to learn that we're not always right with the things we perceive in ourselves.

My production class ends after Friday and then that is 6 hours during the week that open up for me. There isn't much left for us to do. Today we helped to clean out the paint storage in the scene shop. I had to eventually get a face mask because the paint that was "bad," really was BAD!! It's considered toxic waste and you actually have to dispose of it in certain bins. It's weird. I knew paint could get bad, but really, it's like food and it grows mold, and the smell is unbearable. It smells worse than the dead animals I had to dissect in High School...and let me tell you, that was horrible. I wonder what Friday will bring me...hopefully not more moldy paint or lids that are impossible to twist off.

uh.

There are a couple of pet peeves for which I have been reminded annoy the hell out of me, currently, flakiness takes the cake, though. It seriously makes  my blood boil. I can't comprehend it.

Suntines

9 more months

89

Today has been a long day.

I think it's unprofessional to compare actors especially publicly, way to boost the morale. And I'm pretty sure that's not what they do as Equity rules. You. 7. You 89. Yeah, thats right everyone. 89. ::oh my gosh:: Good try. I'm pretty sure things would have been a lot different in the beginning had this been an equity show, so it's not just us that needs a reprimanding.

I think that before anyone gives people notes about picking things up they should look at what they can improve to pick things up too because I'm pretty sure that we would be owed a lot of money also for our time wasted. But we have to forgive and forget, right, because we're just silly actors.


Uh.

Man, I feel like a Woman!!

My stomach hurts, enough said about that.

Publicity photos are today for my show. That should be exciting. I wish I would have gotten that haircut I was talking about, now I'm going to be all paranoid about it. Oh well. I went to school without mascara on, so I wouldn't have to wash my mascara off before I redid my make-up. I feel a little bare without it, but I feel ok.

I wish I was in Carson with Kris. I feel so happy when I am there. I miss Val too. Boo. I need some old familiarity, that'll do the trick. That'll treat the sickness.

I'm hungry.

Headache

I have a headache. A normal happening. I think that it is due to several things: being at school for over 10 hours, hunger, the heinous writings of students that I have to grade, thoughts of undone homework, and lack of sleep.

I'm looking forward to getting some groceries. I want some fresh fruits and veggies, among other things. I'm looking forward to a long needed haircut. It's been too long.

No rehearsal tonight, hopefully I'll get the chance to use the time wisely.

I love that Kris cooks. It makes me feel like I'll be taken care of. I wish I was in Carson to partake of what he's making for dinner tonight. I'm impressed that BBQ'd asparagus in on the list. Anything that he puts in his mouth that is green I am proud of :)

A focus on the edge

I've decided I wanted to start writing my blogs on here instead of MySpace. Why? I couldn't really tell you. Maybe it seems more legit. Maybe one day I'll delete my MySpace and I would like to have these writings to look back on.

It's a beautiful day out. After being stuffed inside buildings all Winter it's nice to be able to open the window and smell some cold earthy air. 

There is something this kind of weather does to me. It makes me want to clean, it makes me want to organize. It makes me want to go and do things and become a better person. It rejuvenates me and reminds me to live.

I'm listening to Kris's music, his ambient stuff. There is an interesting juxtaposition in it. It's happy and bright and then there are these denser tones that bring out some kind of  deepness that makes you think about things and where you are. Most of his songs  have this quality and it''s amazing because it has so many levels. It makes me think of my past and lures me into thinking about my future.  

Sometimes I get really stressed thinking about things to come. It seems a little different this time. I'm super anxious about it, in a good way. For a little over four years it's been the same kind of speed. Lots of school. Lots of work. Lots of no time to myself. I guess I've always kind of been like that. Stuffing as much into my life as possible. In high school when I didn't have a job or homework, I had clubs, volunteering, performing, etc.  I think it must be a personality thing. I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life if I'm not doing everything.  Good motto and everything, but it takes its toll; because; while I'm doing everything I'm missing a lot of things that I want and need to be doing for myself and those I love. Catch 22, huh?

I can't guarantee that these qualities are going to change in me. What if this is innately in me, to always be saying I could do more? Never being content with what already is. It needs some work. Maybe I need to say I have the time for that. 

After I graduate I'm going to make sure that things are different. Or at least have a hell of a time trying to take in what's in front of me, because at that time it's going to be someone amazing and I'm not going to let time with him diminish into thin air as I crowd myself with unimportant tasks and endless hours at work or school. I'm going to let what matters seep in and elevate me.