A Silhouette of the Dead Against the Wall

There is a silhouette against the wall and only I can see it.
It’s making a journey with the black dog.
It’s darkness is infinite and the only light that comes is from behind.
The silhouette against the wall.
It’s framed so perfectly, but no one can see the darkness that creates it.
I’m the only one who can see the silhouette against the wall.
It’s dead.

Boo.

I can feel a migraine coming on and I'm suddenly in a really crabby mood and I have idea why. Not knowing why just makes me more annoyed. I want to just lay down and not think about it, but if I take a nap now, I'm not going to be able to fall asleep tonight, which again, will make me more annoyed. Oh man.

Top Chef

So, my kitchen smells amazing right now. I'm making homemade Split Pea soup and corn bread. My mom used to make it when we were younger and my dad kept asking my mom to make it for him this week. So she did-and in return I became jealous and decided I had to make it as well. It's a simple recipe (split peas, onions, cut up pieces of bacon and pepper-my mom also cuts up carrots and potatoes too, but I skipped this step as I haven't had a paycheck in a while and funds are reaching an all time low- ah the joys of trying to get through college). Anyway, it is nearly finished after an hour of simmering and I just took the corn bread out of the oven- it's golden brown and I can't wait to partake. Mmmm.

Preparing this made me realize how excited I am to start cooking for a husband and eventually little kiddies. It makes me think about what kinds of things I want to teach my kids about family and food. Kris and I talked about how it was important to both of us to eat as a family with no TV or phones distracting us. I think that so many amazing things can be learned from each other; and, sitting in front of the TV during mealtimes is one of the worst things a family could do, in my opinion. You miss out on so much and you set-up a pattern for your kids to not communicate or open up. I know it's easier said then done, but for my family I'm going to make it a huge priority.

Yay for yummy delicious food and yay for starting a future with the one you love.

This is how we do

Can I just say that I love my job sometimes. In case any of you don't know, I am a Stage Manager for DAP (Division of Design and Production) here at the performance arts building at BYU. I have a computer, a TV with cable and after I get done setting stuff up and making sure everything is ready I usually just get to sit around and do whatever I want. For the most part I enjoy the people that I work with and I get paid pretty well too. Hooray for me!!!

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So I was talking to Morag and she commented on how all of my blogs seem so dark and that people are probably going to think I'm depressed. Well, I guess the sad truth is that a lot of the time when I feel prompted to write it's because I'm dealing with something challenging. A lot of people document happy things and don't write anything when things get hard, but perhaps I'm opposite. It's definitely a release. Maybe I will make it a point to be more balanced when I write, but when it comes down to it I suppose I don't really care what people think when they read my blog, my good friends know me and I know myself. Blogging for me is more personal than social, I'm not trying to fool anyone or paint some perfect picture. When I look back on life it's the challenging times I went through that helped to shape me the most, anyway.

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On a positive note, Kris and I have been talking about marriage a lot more seriously lately. I must say, I am extremely excited. Things haven't always been easy for the both of us. But, I think most of all I'm proud that our love, attraction, appreciation and respect for one another has transcended the horrific set-backs of a long-distance relationship. Many people say it's impossible, and there were/are times when I tend to side with that opinion, but to be honest it has helped me to learn and understand what parts of my life need growth and progression. I'm thankful for that.

The Future Mr. and Mrs. Villines

We're planning a June wedding next year. That way I can minimize the stress as I'm trying to graduate and audition for grad schools during Winter semester. We have found some rings that we adore and have tentatively found the perfect place in Tahoe for the wedding and reception as well. I don't think either of us has been this excited for a while. It seems incredibly daunting with all the details and money and such, but getting to be with the one I love for the rest of my life makes all of those other things not seem so bad.

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On another positive note I found a place to live for Fall and Winter. I apologize about the quality, but this is a blurry pic I took for Kris to show him the house initially when I was looking to rent it. They are redoing the roof right now, so thats why it looks weird. The house is like four houses down and across the street from where I've been living the last two years so it's nice I won't have to move so far away. It's still close to campus, transportation, friends, etc. It's a funny story how I found it, and probably not that exciting to write about so if you're curious I can tell, if not, all that matters is I finally found a place to live. I can finally stop thinking about the horrible thing that happened to put me in this position and be happy that I'm living in a cool house.

I'm going to explode.

Sometimes I wonder if I make up unbelievably false stories in my mind about how wonderful things are and then in turn have to suffer in real life when I realize that they are horribly untrue. Now I have the pleasure of sitting up all night thinking about this. Yes. Thank you indeed. Nausea and headache to follow. F.

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It's now after 5 in the morning. As a side note, it's hard to fall asleep to the birds chirping their morning songs of thanksgiving. Sometimes I wish I was a bird. I doubt they have nausea or headaches. Both of which I successfully predicted I would have. Check and Check.

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Maybe I was wrong.

Still giddy

I really am lucky. I think I kind of take it for granted. It's hard being back here and it seems like forever until timing is the way I want it, but I guess maybe I need to just sit back and enjoy where we're at right now. Sometimes things are easier said then done though.


"A thousand times a day I tell you I love the way you sing
Even though it makes me cry, it’s my favorite time to be alive
And all I know is I feel lost without you
“I miss you” is not enough...

And we told each other we would be forever
And since that day we had our share of problems
And now we know that it’s hard but better together
Oh, yeah, it’s better together." (1000 Times A Day-T.E.N.)

Inspiration.

I want to make a difference and do something big, but I'm not quite sure what that is yet. I've been inspired this last little while, but no concrete thoughts have come to me as to what I should do. Maybe once I get out of this rut I'm in, somethings will become clear to me.

Cycles

I'm feeling sentimental right now. I'm never really sure how to deal with myself at times like these.

I can hear the rain dripping from the roof. It's a perfect sound. I think I might go walk out in it.

Good thoughts to fill the void of the night.

I figured I would end the night with some good thoughts. Hopefully I won't be woken up again tonight.

"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"


So, these are a few of my favorite things.

Clean sheets.
Clean anything, really
Reading plays
Acting
Wind blowing on my face
Shade beneath trees
Having pillows surrounding me when I sleep
Hanson
Kissing Kris to the beat of the opening song of The Office
Having conversations with random strangers
Otter Pops
M.A.C. Makeup
Checking things off my 'to-do' list
The feeling of autumn
Progressing
Dreaming of making impossible things possible
Watching Home Improvement with Kris
Making dinner
Paying the bills and having money left in the bank. (It doesn't happen often, but its nice)
Walking out of the house and feeling really put together and attractive
Opening the door for people/People opening the door for me

I don't want to stop, but I shall so I can wake up and be productive tomorrow. So until next time-may the stars align for us all!

An unwelcomed visitor

So. I was laying down in bed and I heard the sound of the screen on a window moving. I wake up and there is a shadow of someone coming into my room (in Vegas) I start to get scared and jump up on my bed as he fully enters into the room and I catch a glimpse of his face. He's white, young, dressed kind of like a basketball jock, in his mid to late twenties. I start to scream as he grabs me but nothing comes out of my mouth. It's like I'm hoarse. I try screaming again, nothing comes out, I start to freak out. I gasp and wake up in real life.

This is a problem for several reasons. One-I already have a hard time dealing with murder/rape/violence/kidnappings, etc. I can't deal with them. The thought of dieing by those means occupies my mind rather frequently. Two-once these images and ideas come to my mind they are hard for me to let go of. I sat up the rest of the morning (I woke up around 5 something in the morning) thinking about what I would do to get away from this guy if it had really happened, and then getting upset when I realize that it would be nigh impossible to do so if he had a gun, knife, or multiple people helping him. Then I thought about what kind of physical defense I could use, and that got me upset again when my mind reminded me that men are much stronger then women (esp. in upper body strength) and that even if I try my hardest the chances of me getting away are pretty slim. Then these scenes keep playing in my mind. Well, what if my Dad was home...he's getting older, what if the man hurts my Dad. What if my Mom comes to help? I don't want her to be hurt. What do I do? All the while I'm consciously telling myself to think of happy things, ask someone up above to help to clear these thoughts, etc, etc. Some images of autumn trees come to mind, the beach, wind blowing, and then my mind takes a turn back and the horrible thoughts continue.

Needless to say I didn't sleep much. I went on my computer and looked at some dream dictionaries online, one of them said that the dream was telling me I need to watch out because something bad is going to happen, and its my subconscious telling me. So, obviously THAT made me feel better :/ I got off the computer and tried to sleep, but I just laid there and watched the time pass.


Now I'm kind of in a bad mood. Not meaning to be, but finding it hard to recuperate from that experience. I don't know what the deal is. I haven't been abused ever or had anything traumatic happen that deals with that kind of violence. Why do I have such a hard time with those things? Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy with the things my mind congers. I bet it will become worse when I'm older and have a husband and children to worry about. I'm going to see what I can do about it. It bothers me.

Back and in action

I'm back in Provo. I'm bored and feeling a little depressed. I've noticed when I don't do things for long periods of time I have a lot of "think time" to myself and then I just start feeling bad about all of the things I'm not doing or should be doing. I was talking with Tracey about that yesterday when she drove me home from the airport. She said she felt the same way. I think it has something to do with personalities. Ever since I was little I've always been involved in so many things. So much that I'm usually overwhelmed. Sometimes I joke about "Not having it any other way," and I guess it's true. I complain about having so much on my plate, but I would rather that then to sit around feeling depressed and useless. Blah.

I went for a run yesterday and did some exercises afterwards. It made me feel good. I couldn't fall asleep though for several hours. And that is why I am waking up at 12 in the afternoon. Yikes. I'm hoping to continue exercising for the remainder of the year quite hard so that I can feel comfortable at my graduate school auditions in Feb as well as in my headshots I need to take and in the shows I should be acting in, in the upcoming months. My tool is my body and I really need to get it in it's best possible shape in order to have the best shots at growing and progressing towards my goals.

It's weird being back here. I really miss Kris. It feels weird to be away from him. Another year seems like an eternity. I'm sure it will go by rather quickly. Hopefully it will anyway.