Ahhhh. Save me!

I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I seriously have never wanted a final to be over so badly! I just want this Auditions class to be done and over with and then life will be significantly better.

The Trade-Off

So I've figured some things out- some good, some bad. Now what?


Who's to say?

Loverly!

It was rainy and colorful leaves were all around me and I finished my stats homework early and got a 100% and I have no performance tonight and I had dinner with Chelsea and my house is warm and I'm writing run on sentences and I love today just because of those things. :) Hooorrrayyy!

And she lived happily happily happily ever after...

Kris left a few hours ago and I'm feeling rather sad. We had a good weekend and spent a lot of much needed time together. My work/school/show load is quite ridiculous and being able to forget about all everything for a few days has been just what the doctor ordered. We went and saw the BodyWorld Exhibit in SLC and it was so amazing. It made me want to be a Doctor again. It was so fascinating getting to see the human body in so many different ways. I LOVED IT!! We ate at the Cheesecake Factory, saw some old friends, watched Season 4 of the Office, slept in late, went shopping and found Kris some lovely posh clothes, I got some MAC brushes, we went and looked at cars and Kris got to see my show. So many things in so little time. And now he's gone and I feel a little empty inside, well a lot empty. Being away from someone you love is never easy. So now I'm back to the real world.

Things have been going pretty good the last little bit, this has been a stressful and crazy semester but I feel good about life and can't believe that I'm soon going to be out of Provo and into the real world. I've decided to take a much needed break after graduation to just be alive-to be a normal functioning member of society (whatever that is). I'm going to do things that I haven't been able to the last five years; read, paint, spend genuine time with friends and family, watch movies, relax, etc. I'm excited about the future prospects and am 6 months away from a big change. Next semester is going to be fun mostly because I'm only taking 6 credits of classes, most of which are block classes and will be over with in Feburary YAY!! I'm not going to know what to do with myself, and I looovveee itttt!!!!

I came across this the other day and thought to myself about how true it is: "Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you." It makes me discouraged to live in this place, but I'm not too naive to think that no matter where I live there will be a lot of artifical people running about. My goals this semester have been going well and I feel as if I'm getting back to where I was before coming here. Val is coming to see my show on Wednesday and who better than to bring back my hope in mankind than her. She's who I think of when I hear the saying about considering yourself lucky if you have only one true friend in your lifetime. She fits the tab and as I grow older and meet more people I understand where the wisdom in the saying comes from.

It's autumn time, the trees are changing, it's raining and smelling yummy outside, my boyfriend is lovely and my room is filled with flowers, whatelse could I ask for tonight? I can't think of anything, except for him to be snuggled up in bed next to me.

Bright.

The show is going well. I'm really pleased with how our rehearsals have been so productive. Everything seems to really be coming together. We went into the Margetts today and saw the beginnings of the set; we had our make-up training (they are airbrushing our make-up-like what they do for HD film; practically flawless); our costumes and aprons are all vintage and the show soundtrack is so beautiful. We're getting our Publicity photos done this Tuesday, which should hopefuly be fun :) I'm really excited about the whole thing. Scared, but excited. I can't believe there is less than two weeks before we go into Tech and three weeks until we open. Wow. All in all, I'm rather pleased. Yay!!!

I have really good roommates. I really like them. I'm fortunate. We had a good night.

.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

-John Lennon

Getting back to me.

I'm trying to get back to this:


I'm not for sure if it's possible. I suppose one can't just go back to innocence. Isn't that one of the prices we pay for growing up? I wish I could so badly though. I wouldn't give up any of the experiences I've had, it just seems like it didn't take much to make me smile or laugh back then. I just want to be happy. I've lost myself somewhere along the road and I'm desperate to find where I went. I don't even know where to start. I've tried to distance myself from the things I haven't felt good about. I'm trying to be objective, but it doesn't seem to be working. Perhaps I had to hit rock bottom in order to try to resurface. I feel like I'm still stuck at the bottom so I'm going to make my way up, inch by inch.

I heard my mom talking about how what we enjoyed doing as children would also make us content in our adult life. I'm sure they may be altered in some senses, as I don't intend on spending half my day playing with Barbies. I figure this is worth a shot though.

Things I liked as a child:

• Listening to music
• Legos
• Reading
• Singing and dancing around
• Writing stories
• Talking
• Helping friends with problems
• Learning about new things
• Falling asleep watching movies
• Playing house
• Making relationships between my dolls
• Being around people
• Entertaining
• Being near my family
• Taking naps next to my dad and mom
• Quality time
  

I also thought it might be a good start to write down what things are important to me in the important areas of my life and also write down some thoughts about what I want and don't want in those areas too.

Personal:

• Confidence in myself and all my talents and abilities
  
• It's important that I feel happy (not in a cliche way, but I want to feel it all over my body like I have in the past).
• I want to travel and experience different cultures, languages, foods, people.
• I need to experience Autumn at least once a year no matter which climate I'm living at.
• I need to spend time outside
• I want to learn how to cook new things
• I need to have time to exercise (doing things I love-yoga, pilates, soccer, etc)
• I want to always be involved in learning new things; whether through more schooling or taking classes here or there).
• I want to be less judgmental towards myself and others
• Take singing lessons
• PATIENCE!
  
• Volunteer to help out with children or people in need
• Take a break when I need it
• Not feel I need to be perfect in order to be successful
• Be a master of communication
• Less arguing and fighting
• More love and understanding
• More awareness of our fragility and lack of time on earth.

In Familial Relationships:

• Better and more meaningful contact
• Remember birthdays and special events
• Write notes of thanks
• Kinder words
• More understanding
• Less judging
• Being around and available to their needs
• Watch communication with sensitive subjects
• Better Daughter, Sister, Aunt
• More patience

In Intimate Relationships
Goals for myself:

• More love
• More forgiveness
• Less fighting and arguing
  
• More concentration on positive qualities
• Better knowledge of wants and needs (what I'm willing to settle and compromise for, and what I'm not).
• The ability to be more sensitive during hardships
• The ability to breathe and relax
• No baggage brought in
  
• Knowing when and how to stop myself from getting into an argument when I know it's not constructive.
• How to be constructive
• How to express my needs in a meaningful manner
  
• Not feeling like I have to always be right
• Confidence in what I have to offer to someone else
• Not basing my happiness on how someone else feels about or treats me
• Feeling safe and secure about being open and honest in an intimate relationship
• Better real communication
• The ability to just forgive and really forget
• To love someone for who they are and not who I want them to be
• Appreciate all of the happy and amazing times
• Make time for happy and amazing times
• More spontaneity
  
• More laughing
  
• More simple pure love

Needs/Wants:
*Note-not a Want Ad*

• The openness and honesty of a real friendship
• Understanding of flaws and weaknesses
• Supportive of my dreams and aspirations
• Can challenge me
  
• Has patience when times get hard or really anytime for that fact
  
• I need quality time, it's my love language, it's how I feel loved
  
• To feel appreciated for the things I do
• Can communicate or is willing to open up
  
• I need to be a main priority (I expect a lot, but I give a lot, too).
• Safety and Security
• To be touched and kissed and held
• To feel validation for feelings, even when they don't make sense
  
• Can cook a good steak
• Doesn't snore
• Doesn't take himself seriously
  
• Needs to care about people
  
• No Cockiness
• Wants a strong family
• No popped collars
• Has to be willing to make sacrifices
• Is willing to work on things to improve himself and his life even when it's hard
  
• No woundering eyes
• Can put effort into doing special things
• Sensitive and attentive
• Not afraid of commitment
  
• Wants a home life
• Has passions and dreams of his own
• Hard worker
  
• Physically attractive to me
• Wants an equal partnership
• Can give as well as take

I know I've got a long road ahead of me, but I feel hopeful that things will be okay. I feel scared and alone sometimes being so far away from others that love me and that I love; but, I suppose that sometimes to really enjoy what's good in life we must too experience what's horrible and hurtful. Nothing that is worth anything comes easily.

Breathing...an art I'm not familiar with.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think the majority of the problem is that I am just utterly exhausted. I seriously don't feel like I have any energy left to give anyone or anything, anything at all. I've been in school non-stop for five years. Not only am I going full-time but I also have been working the whole time I've been at school. I wish I were one of those lucky souls who has someone taking care of their expenses so that they just have to go to school. Working while going to school has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Literally this semester I'm at school and work form 9-5 and then have rehearsals from 6-11. The 30 hours of rehearsal a week, itself is like a full time job; but, top that with school and work and I am maxed out.

I feel particularly bad about this because I taking an Auditions class with a new faculty and she must thing I'm terrible. I think I'm terrible these days too. I just want to not act for like a year so that I can just be alive and breathe. There is a quote we talk about in class and it's something like, "Theatre is about life, life isn't about theatre." I haven't had time since I've come to school to really just live, it's always worry about money or classes or work or acting. I seriously don't know where I have gone. I feel partially dead and it makes me really sad. I just want a break. I want to bring back parts of myself that I haven't seen for years. Sigh.

How do I get there? That's the million dollar question.

Bells Bells

The last couple of weeks of summer were great. Heidi came back from India and we've had our little sleepovers like old times with delicious meals a go go. I'm excited she is going to be taking some French cooking classes up north. She will be able to teach me some yummy things to cook from one of my motherlands. Chelsea came back form her mission and she has been a ray of sunlight. The girl is always happy and when she gets stressed she just gets happier, I don't know how she does it, but it's really entertaining for me. "I'll punch you in the face."

The house is great. My roommates are really great and I'm excited about how spacious things are. It's going to be a great year there and it's nice to have all of my things finally unpacked and in their places for the most part. Yay!!

So school has started. The first two days have past and I'm a mix of emotions.

I feel a little overwhelmed currently. Just with the sheer amount of things I have to get done in the next little while. Some things are due in a day-some in a month, but all are important and all require lots of time. Time, I'm not feeling like I have. Yesterday I surprised myself though and instead of getting all flustered I just thought about how I was going to go home and sit on my rug (new and from Ikea, yay!) and just sit and breathe in and out. The fact is that things are incredibly stressful, but it's not the end of the world and things will work themselves out. I suppose it doesn't hurt that I have a boyfriend and close friends telling me they're here for me, and asking what they could do to help. I've got it good at the end of the day.

It's good to be alive...now I'm just waiting for Autumn to come :)

5 Reasons I'm In Love With Kris (Not Inclusive Of Course)

1. He has an amazing sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously. He teaches me not to either.

2. He is so handsome.

He gave me butterflies...

...And he still does.

3. He is incredibly talented and always surprises me with the music he creates.


4. He takes me on fun trips and takes care of me so I don't have to stress.


5. He teaches me to take one day at a time. He is patient with me and listens to my rantings and ravings...

Even when I look at him like this...

He is my opposite and he encourages me to calm down, breathe and live.

*****I love him so! We are M.F.E.O.*****

Good job, Magster!

I've always heard that you should do something everyday that scares you. Today I did something that scared me. The adrenaline and anxiety came and I said to myself, ' I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I DON'T want to do this." And right after, I got up and did it anyway. I'm proud of myself!

bahhhhh..

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, looking at my schedule for the upcoming semester, among other things. I'm going to stay calm though, because worrying never did me any good. One step at a time...


Okay good.



Breathe.



Everything is going to work out fine.

'Flying the friendly skies' (is there more than one?..wait a minute...)

Two packets of salted peanuts, a two hour layover and two rather large (still packed) suitcases later and I'm back in Provo. It's not that exciting I must admit, I never get the fluttery feeling inside of me when I came here as I do when I go home to Vegas or Reno/Carson City. I suppose that comes with leaving everything that really matters to me hundreds of miles away. It feels weird to say I do it willingly, but I suppose I do. I could, when it comes down to it, drop everything here and go back (with varying consequences, however). It was nice to get away from things here though, this place is starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I just left my phone in my purse and decided to try and remove myself from anything that didn't deal with where I was, who I was currently with or family. It was nice and made me realize that there are some changes that I'm looking forward to implementing into my life now that I'm back here. I'm reading Eat Pray Love and I just got done reading a little bit about how hard it is for Americans to really do 'nothing.' Gilbert talks about how as Americans we overwork ourselves, even when we are on vacation we're really not capable of relaxing. I can relate wholeheartedly to commentary on this topic. I'm never able to just be. Just sit and do nothing. Mind ceasing to think, analyze, work. If I'm not doing everything to progress towards this glorified vision of my future then it's not going to happen, I fail. That's how I live. I fear the more I live like this, however, the less I will really be living. "The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life's achievement." I think this begs me to do things differently. Impossible? Feels like it.


Speaking of this book though, it's great. I was reminded on the plane while reading that there are few things that compare to the way I feel when I'm doing a couple things. These things free me from the daily patterns I get myself into that suffocate me. Things like listening to good music (not, 'oh hey thats catchy,' but music that moves you, makes you different, penetrates you) feeling the wind on my face (or smelling earth, experiencing a thunderstorm. nature.) reading a good book that you refuse (or can't) put down, laughing and spending genuine time with those who you have a special cosmic connection with (family, friends, lovers) etc. These things literally make me feel like my spirit is souring. Okay, so I'm not good at explaining myself, perhaps it's too personal to eloquently portray, but I feel alive at these times. I want more of this in my life. Less drama. So so so much less drama. In fact I'm committing myself to really trying to eliminate all drama from my life minus the drama that is synonymous with theatre, of course. Of course.

My last full-time semester starts in two weeks. It seems like Summer went by so fast and I didn't get many things done that I had planned on, but a break in any form from these last few stressful semesters was needed, in a very bad way. I'm excited about my senior project even though I know that the next 3 months are going to include d.) all of the above [blood, sweat and tears]. I'm scared out of my mind, but incredibly excited as well. I already feel pretty close to my character and I haven't really even gotten to know her yet (something I'm eager to do, might I add). I've got a lot of things ahead of me these next months, but with everything else I've learned, before I know it, it's all going to be but a memory. I hope I remember all the meaningful things that happen and am able to move on and learn from the challenges. A midyear resolution-I think so!

Pssh.

I think people are annoying. Really really annoying. I can't help it. Say one thing, do another. It boils my blood. That's why I am just not going to care anymore. Super. Done and done.

The utensils of life

My mind is always analyzing and thinking things through, but for some reason when I have to actually sit and really make some decisions I am at a loss. I don't know how to weight pros and cons because I can talk myself in and out of everything. I'm at a real fork in the road. I have so many mixed emotions that I feel like I'm completely stuck in the middle, unsure of where to go next. I hate this, I wondering if I'm pushing the inevitable away because I don't want to believe it. I feel ill.