Breathing...an art I'm not familiar with.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think the majority of the problem is that I am just utterly exhausted. I seriously don't feel like I have any energy left to give anyone or anything, anything at all. I've been in school non-stop for five years. Not only am I going full-time but I also have been working the whole time I've been at school. I wish I were one of those lucky souls who has someone taking care of their expenses so that they just have to go to school. Working while going to school has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Literally this semester I'm at school and work form 9-5 and then have rehearsals from 6-11. The 30 hours of rehearsal a week, itself is like a full time job; but, top that with school and work and I am maxed out.

I feel particularly bad about this because I taking an Auditions class with a new faculty and she must thing I'm terrible. I think I'm terrible these days too. I just want to not act for like a year so that I can just be alive and breathe. There is a quote we talk about in class and it's something like, "Theatre is about life, life isn't about theatre." I haven't had time since I've come to school to really just live, it's always worry about money or classes or work or acting. I seriously don't know where I have gone. I feel partially dead and it makes me really sad. I just want a break. I want to bring back parts of myself that I haven't seen for years. Sigh.

How do I get there? That's the million dollar question.

Bells Bells

The last couple of weeks of summer were great. Heidi came back from India and we've had our little sleepovers like old times with delicious meals a go go. I'm excited she is going to be taking some French cooking classes up north. She will be able to teach me some yummy things to cook from one of my motherlands. Chelsea came back form her mission and she has been a ray of sunlight. The girl is always happy and when she gets stressed she just gets happier, I don't know how she does it, but it's really entertaining for me. "I'll punch you in the face."

The house is great. My roommates are really great and I'm excited about how spacious things are. It's going to be a great year there and it's nice to have all of my things finally unpacked and in their places for the most part. Yay!!

So school has started. The first two days have past and I'm a mix of emotions.

I feel a little overwhelmed currently. Just with the sheer amount of things I have to get done in the next little while. Some things are due in a day-some in a month, but all are important and all require lots of time. Time, I'm not feeling like I have. Yesterday I surprised myself though and instead of getting all flustered I just thought about how I was going to go home and sit on my rug (new and from Ikea, yay!) and just sit and breathe in and out. The fact is that things are incredibly stressful, but it's not the end of the world and things will work themselves out. I suppose it doesn't hurt that I have a boyfriend and close friends telling me they're here for me, and asking what they could do to help. I've got it good at the end of the day.

It's good to be alive...now I'm just waiting for Autumn to come :)

5 Reasons I'm In Love With Kris (Not Inclusive Of Course)

1. He has an amazing sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously. He teaches me not to either.

2. He is so handsome.

He gave me butterflies...

...And he still does.

3. He is incredibly talented and always surprises me with the music he creates.


4. He takes me on fun trips and takes care of me so I don't have to stress.


5. He teaches me to take one day at a time. He is patient with me and listens to my rantings and ravings...

Even when I look at him like this...

He is my opposite and he encourages me to calm down, breathe and live.

*****I love him so! We are M.F.E.O.*****

Good job, Magster!

I've always heard that you should do something everyday that scares you. Today I did something that scared me. The adrenaline and anxiety came and I said to myself, ' I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I DON'T want to do this." And right after, I got up and did it anyway. I'm proud of myself!

bahhhhh..

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, looking at my schedule for the upcoming semester, among other things. I'm going to stay calm though, because worrying never did me any good. One step at a time...


Okay good.



Breathe.



Everything is going to work out fine.

'Flying the friendly skies' (is there more than one?..wait a minute...)

Two packets of salted peanuts, a two hour layover and two rather large (still packed) suitcases later and I'm back in Provo. It's not that exciting I must admit, I never get the fluttery feeling inside of me when I came here as I do when I go home to Vegas or Reno/Carson City. I suppose that comes with leaving everything that really matters to me hundreds of miles away. It feels weird to say I do it willingly, but I suppose I do. I could, when it comes down to it, drop everything here and go back (with varying consequences, however). It was nice to get away from things here though, this place is starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I just left my phone in my purse and decided to try and remove myself from anything that didn't deal with where I was, who I was currently with or family. It was nice and made me realize that there are some changes that I'm looking forward to implementing into my life now that I'm back here. I'm reading Eat Pray Love and I just got done reading a little bit about how hard it is for Americans to really do 'nothing.' Gilbert talks about how as Americans we overwork ourselves, even when we are on vacation we're really not capable of relaxing. I can relate wholeheartedly to commentary on this topic. I'm never able to just be. Just sit and do nothing. Mind ceasing to think, analyze, work. If I'm not doing everything to progress towards this glorified vision of my future then it's not going to happen, I fail. That's how I live. I fear the more I live like this, however, the less I will really be living. "The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life's achievement." I think this begs me to do things differently. Impossible? Feels like it.


Speaking of this book though, it's great. I was reminded on the plane while reading that there are few things that compare to the way I feel when I'm doing a couple things. These things free me from the daily patterns I get myself into that suffocate me. Things like listening to good music (not, 'oh hey thats catchy,' but music that moves you, makes you different, penetrates you) feeling the wind on my face (or smelling earth, experiencing a thunderstorm. nature.) reading a good book that you refuse (or can't) put down, laughing and spending genuine time with those who you have a special cosmic connection with (family, friends, lovers) etc. These things literally make me feel like my spirit is souring. Okay, so I'm not good at explaining myself, perhaps it's too personal to eloquently portray, but I feel alive at these times. I want more of this in my life. Less drama. So so so much less drama. In fact I'm committing myself to really trying to eliminate all drama from my life minus the drama that is synonymous with theatre, of course. Of course.

My last full-time semester starts in two weeks. It seems like Summer went by so fast and I didn't get many things done that I had planned on, but a break in any form from these last few stressful semesters was needed, in a very bad way. I'm excited about my senior project even though I know that the next 3 months are going to include d.) all of the above [blood, sweat and tears]. I'm scared out of my mind, but incredibly excited as well. I already feel pretty close to my character and I haven't really even gotten to know her yet (something I'm eager to do, might I add). I've got a lot of things ahead of me these next months, but with everything else I've learned, before I know it, it's all going to be but a memory. I hope I remember all the meaningful things that happen and am able to move on and learn from the challenges. A midyear resolution-I think so!

Pssh.

I think people are annoying. Really really annoying. I can't help it. Say one thing, do another. It boils my blood. That's why I am just not going to care anymore. Super. Done and done.

The utensils of life

My mind is always analyzing and thinking things through, but for some reason when I have to actually sit and really make some decisions I am at a loss. I don't know how to weight pros and cons because I can talk myself in and out of everything. I'm at a real fork in the road. I have so many mixed emotions that I feel like I'm completely stuck in the middle, unsure of where to go next. I hate this, I wondering if I'm pushing the inevitable away because I don't want to believe it. I feel ill.

Fun with the girls!

I must say that there is nothing like a bad hair day...and I've been having many of those as of late. Once my hair starts growing I start hating it more and more. So today, I was very proactive and I went to the Metropolitan Urban Hair Salon here on University Ave and got my hair cut. I really like it, I got it styled in a wavy way and I hope that tomorrow after a shower I can get the same look. But then again, your hair never looks the same as when you got it done at the salon. I'm going to cross my fingers that it will look nice at least and that I can somehow master the technique.


Tracey, Barta, Paula-her long time friend and myself went and saw Mamma Mia. I must say I was pretty apprehensive about it, considering it's a musical and we all know how I hate Grease (I know that sounds limiting and perhaps general, but you don't know how much I loathe Grease). Anyway, I thought it was delightful and I must say that I laughed and even ....well, yeah, okay I cried-but not because I'm a wussy, so don't even think about making fun of me!! I thought it was cast well and the comic timing was pretty on-for me at least. Anyway, if you have a chance I think it's worth seeing. Yay Meryl!!!

Day O' Plenty

I had several bananas that were reaching old age and so I decided to put them out of their misery. Life gave me bananas and thusly I made Bananna Bread. :) It finally cooled off and I had a slice, it was so moist and yummy!

I also made a pasta salad with cucumbers, peppers, red onions, green onions, garlic, broccoli and cauliflower. I added some Parmesan cheese and it was a lovely lunch, indeed.

Now I think I'm going to use those lemons in the fridge and make some lemonade.

Life has been good to me today.

What I'm thankful for..

*I looked in my bank account and I have .57 cents. My first reaction would be to be pissed that I don't have any money, but this time I just took a deep breath and felt thankful that I at least have that amount in my bank, and am not overdrawn. I think I have been overdrawn once in my life and it was because of an error but generally I feel pretty lucky, with my .57 cents and all. I don't have a lot of money ever, but I usually have enough. :)

*I'm thankful for my family, who all happen to be very strong and know a thing or two about endurance.

*I'm thankful for my boyfriend because he's sensitive and willing to do anything to make me happy-even when what I ask for is impossible.

*I'm thankful for my friends, many of which can tell me when I'm being unreasonable or illogical.

I have a lot to be thankful, but those are just a couple of things that come to mind at the moment.

p.s. my Dad just sent me this jewel a few minutes ago. I laughed out loud-My Dad's shorts and mustache among other things are so classic-ahh the old days.

YES!!

I just got an e-mail from Urban Outfitters-"First look at Fall." OHHHH-it makes me so happy to know that Autumn is just around the corner-kind of. The fact that the fall collection is going to be coming out soon just makes me giddy. I LOVE YOU AUTUMN!! You are my destiny.

This is what boredom looks like...

Kris and I had an addition to the family. He finally made his way to me (he has been spending time with his father for the first couple weeks of his birth). His name is Bernard Dino, Dino for short. He already has quite the personality and enjoys playing the guitar and dressing just like his father.

*Like Father like Son*

Dino has some siblings and cousins that have already found great joy in having another little one around. Kingsley is out eldest and enjoys reading and learning (just like his mom). He is very lovable and has really helped me through some hard times-he's much wiser than his age.

We adopted Babs just a bit ago and have really enjoyed her wonderful spirit around the house. She's always very attentive and looking
for ways to make people smile. She is also the typical girlie girl in the family, always playing with her dolls and fixing her hair. Another past time of hers is doing math calculations. She enjoys money and math.

Monkey is currently with his father-unfortunately we don't have any photos of him :( Although we'll get some up here eventually. Monkey enjoys dancing rigorously and making us all laugh with the things that come out of his mouth. "Kids say the darndest things," that's for sure.

Van is our artist, he is always wanting to color and draw and just show off his way of looking at the world through his creations. He is one of the two cousins which happen to live with us.


November is the other cousin. He has quickly found a friend in Dino as each love music and playing the guitar. They are talking about starting a band together, but currently are just have jam sessions in the garage to occupy their time.



I'm primarily the one in charge of these little rascals (with the exception of Monkey-he can't stand to be away from his father) while I'm finishing school. Kris is working full time and always looking for chances to move up the corporate ladder and I just have a little school left. But, very soon we'll all get to take trips to the park and the lake and enjoy some quality time together.

Some more things that make me smile..

The smell of a rain storm coming on

Laughing with friends

Going to the gym

Organizing and writing things down

Going to concerts with Val

The thought of graduating college

Singing

Sleeping in late and not waking up to an alarm

Waving the White Flag...Lessons on Surrendering

I always feel that when one thing goes wrong more things are bound to follow. I'm not the best at handling situations that constantly develop and add on and on and on to each other; I get overwhelmed easily and often times I just hold up the white flag and want to give up and surrender to whatever it is that comes my way. I cringe at the possibility of this, but perhaps I'm a defeatist in one way for another. I feel like my whole life I've been struggling against something and perhaps I just don't feel like doing it anymore. It does take a lot of energy and quite frankly, I don't feel like I have a lot of that left.



I'm glad that I have Kris, he makes me feel like whatever it is that is happening, we can get through it. He takes my burdens on him and only wants to see me be happy. I always feel reluctant to allow him to help me and I don't know why. I always feel bad when I have to ask for help or support even though I probably need it more often then I would ever like to admit.


I don't even want to think of where to start. I just want to...not have to worry or stress. I wish it was all easier.