Two packets of salted peanuts, a two hour layover and two rather large (still packed) suitcases later and I'm back in Provo. It's not that exciting I must admit, I never get the fluttery feeling inside of me when I came here as I do when I go home to Vegas or Reno/Carson City. I suppose that comes with leaving everything that really matters to me hundreds of miles away. It feels weird to say I do it willingly, but I suppose I do. I could, when it comes down to it, drop everything here and go back (with varying consequences, however). It was nice to get away from things here though, this place is starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I just left my phone in my purse and decided to try and remove myself from anything that didn't deal with where I was, who I was currently with or family. It was nice and made me realize that there are some changes that I'm looking forward to implementing into my life now that I'm back here. I'm reading Eat Pray Love and I just got done reading a little bit about how hard it is for Americans to really do 'nothing.' Gilbert talks about how as Americans we overwork ourselves, even when we are on vacation we're really not capable of relaxing. I can relate wholeheartedly to commentary on this topic. I'm never able to just be. Just sit and do nothing. Mind ceasing to think, analyze, work. If I'm not doing everything to progress towards this glorified vision of my future then it's not going to happen, I fail. That's how I live. I fear the more I live like this, however, the less I will really be living. "The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life's achievement." I think this begs me to do things differently. Impossible? Feels like it.
Speaking of this book though, it's great. I was reminded on the plane while reading that there are few things that compare to the way I feel when I'm doing a couple things. These things free me from the daily patterns I get myself into that suffocate me. Things like listening to good music (not, 'oh hey thats catchy,' but music that moves you, makes you different, penetrates you) feeling the wind on my face (or smelling earth, experiencing a thunderstorm. nature.) reading a good book that you refuse (or can't) put down, laughing and spending genuine time with those who you have a special cosmic connection with (family, friends, lovers) etc. These things literally make me feel like my spirit is souring. Okay, so I'm not good at explaining myself, perhaps it's too personal to eloquently portray, but I feel alive at these times. I want more of this in my life. Less drama. So so so much less drama. In fact I'm committing myself to really trying to eliminate all drama from my life minus the drama that is synonymous with theatre, of course. Of course.
My last full-time semester starts in two weeks. It seems like Summer went by so fast and I didn't get many things done that I had planned on, but a break in any form from these last few stressful semesters was needed, in a very bad way. I'm excited about my senior project even though I know that the next 3 months are going to include d.) all of the above [blood, sweat and tears]. I'm scared out of my mind, but incredibly excited as well. I already feel pretty close to my character and I haven't really even gotten to know her yet (something I'm eager to do, might I add). I've got a lot of things ahead of me these next months, but with everything else I've learned, before I know it, it's all going to be but a memory. I hope I remember all the meaningful things that happen and am able to move on and learn from the challenges. A midyear resolution-I think so!
