Still giddy

I really am lucky. I think I kind of take it for granted. It's hard being back here and it seems like forever until timing is the way I want it, but I guess maybe I need to just sit back and enjoy where we're at right now. Sometimes things are easier said then done though.


"A thousand times a day I tell you I love the way you sing
Even though it makes me cry, it’s my favorite time to be alive
And all I know is I feel lost without you
“I miss you” is not enough...

And we told each other we would be forever
And since that day we had our share of problems
And now we know that it’s hard but better together
Oh, yeah, it’s better together." (1000 Times A Day-T.E.N.)

Inspiration.

I want to make a difference and do something big, but I'm not quite sure what that is yet. I've been inspired this last little while, but no concrete thoughts have come to me as to what I should do. Maybe once I get out of this rut I'm in, somethings will become clear to me.

Cycles

I'm feeling sentimental right now. I'm never really sure how to deal with myself at times like these.

I can hear the rain dripping from the roof. It's a perfect sound. I think I might go walk out in it.

Good thoughts to fill the void of the night.

I figured I would end the night with some good thoughts. Hopefully I won't be woken up again tonight.

"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"


So, these are a few of my favorite things.

Clean sheets.
Clean anything, really
Reading plays
Acting
Wind blowing on my face
Shade beneath trees
Having pillows surrounding me when I sleep
Hanson
Kissing Kris to the beat of the opening song of The Office
Having conversations with random strangers
Otter Pops
M.A.C. Makeup
Checking things off my 'to-do' list
The feeling of autumn
Progressing
Dreaming of making impossible things possible
Watching Home Improvement with Kris
Making dinner
Paying the bills and having money left in the bank. (It doesn't happen often, but its nice)
Walking out of the house and feeling really put together and attractive
Opening the door for people/People opening the door for me

I don't want to stop, but I shall so I can wake up and be productive tomorrow. So until next time-may the stars align for us all!

An unwelcomed visitor

So. I was laying down in bed and I heard the sound of the screen on a window moving. I wake up and there is a shadow of someone coming into my room (in Vegas) I start to get scared and jump up on my bed as he fully enters into the room and I catch a glimpse of his face. He's white, young, dressed kind of like a basketball jock, in his mid to late twenties. I start to scream as he grabs me but nothing comes out of my mouth. It's like I'm hoarse. I try screaming again, nothing comes out, I start to freak out. I gasp and wake up in real life.

This is a problem for several reasons. One-I already have a hard time dealing with murder/rape/violence/kidnappings, etc. I can't deal with them. The thought of dieing by those means occupies my mind rather frequently. Two-once these images and ideas come to my mind they are hard for me to let go of. I sat up the rest of the morning (I woke up around 5 something in the morning) thinking about what I would do to get away from this guy if it had really happened, and then getting upset when I realize that it would be nigh impossible to do so if he had a gun, knife, or multiple people helping him. Then I thought about what kind of physical defense I could use, and that got me upset again when my mind reminded me that men are much stronger then women (esp. in upper body strength) and that even if I try my hardest the chances of me getting away are pretty slim. Then these scenes keep playing in my mind. Well, what if my Dad was home...he's getting older, what if the man hurts my Dad. What if my Mom comes to help? I don't want her to be hurt. What do I do? All the while I'm consciously telling myself to think of happy things, ask someone up above to help to clear these thoughts, etc, etc. Some images of autumn trees come to mind, the beach, wind blowing, and then my mind takes a turn back and the horrible thoughts continue.

Needless to say I didn't sleep much. I went on my computer and looked at some dream dictionaries online, one of them said that the dream was telling me I need to watch out because something bad is going to happen, and its my subconscious telling me. So, obviously THAT made me feel better :/ I got off the computer and tried to sleep, but I just laid there and watched the time pass.


Now I'm kind of in a bad mood. Not meaning to be, but finding it hard to recuperate from that experience. I don't know what the deal is. I haven't been abused ever or had anything traumatic happen that deals with that kind of violence. Why do I have such a hard time with those things? Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy with the things my mind congers. I bet it will become worse when I'm older and have a husband and children to worry about. I'm going to see what I can do about it. It bothers me.

Back and in action

I'm back in Provo. I'm bored and feeling a little depressed. I've noticed when I don't do things for long periods of time I have a lot of "think time" to myself and then I just start feeling bad about all of the things I'm not doing or should be doing. I was talking with Tracey about that yesterday when she drove me home from the airport. She said she felt the same way. I think it has something to do with personalities. Ever since I was little I've always been involved in so many things. So much that I'm usually overwhelmed. Sometimes I joke about "Not having it any other way," and I guess it's true. I complain about having so much on my plate, but I would rather that then to sit around feeling depressed and useless. Blah.

I went for a run yesterday and did some exercises afterwards. It made me feel good. I couldn't fall asleep though for several hours. And that is why I am waking up at 12 in the afternoon. Yikes. I'm hoping to continue exercising for the remainder of the year quite hard so that I can feel comfortable at my graduate school auditions in Feb as well as in my headshots I need to take and in the shows I should be acting in, in the upcoming months. My tool is my body and I really need to get it in it's best possible shape in order to have the best shots at growing and progressing towards my goals.

It's weird being back here. I really miss Kris. It feels weird to be away from him. Another year seems like an eternity. I'm sure it will go by rather quickly. Hopefully it will anyway.

Autumn please come back

I feel like my whole face is melting off. I don't think I've been this hot in a very very long time. Yesterday I just sat around and watched movies with Kris's parents because not moving at all was the best cure I could think of in trying to cool myself off. Their air conditioner is broken and apparently no one works on the weekends in this city. I'm moody and I just want to sit in a bath of ice, while sucking on an Otter Pop!

Major/Minor

I'm washing the sheets. Few things compare to some fresh sheets on the bed. I'm going to do some additional laundry, clean up the room, open the windows and let in some fresh air. Yes, that sounds very nice indeed.

Perhaps an afternoon jog will be in order as well. I've been taking a much needed break, but I'm starting to feel like a lazy bum. I've never just sat around and relaxed as much as I have these last few weeks. Eat, sleep, and shower. Those are the activities of a champion. At least for one who needed a major vacation.

I'm looking forward to getting in touch with some old friends. I miss them so and a part of me wants to feel what I used to feel in the past.

I'm trying to decided when I want to graduate. I can do it in December, but staying another semester might yield some additional opportunities. I don't want to cheat myself of anything, but at the same time I really want to be done with school. I have friends who are younger than me graduating before me. I guess essentially it's not a race. This is my life. I need to choose what's best for me and my future.

Something that annoys me. When people talk badly about others and then act nice to them. I've never found out how that works. Wouldn't that be exhausting? It's exhausting for me to witness. I'd rather have no friends, then have a trillion friends who I secretly break down. Deceptive. I'd rather people know my feelings towards them. I'm not going to be
a bit*h about it, but at least I can feel like I'm being honest. I have the unfortunate presence of knowledge and assertiveness in my life. Ignorance is bliss and ignorance is something that probably won't be a primary attribute in my life. I'm lucky aren't I? It complicates things. I think I need to start somethings over. Something is out of key. Perhaps an investigation is in order.

One brain needed ASAP. Contact Maggie with any inquiries.

And yet here I am again. Trying to figure everything out. It seems impossible and I feel like throwing up. These are the times when you just feel stiff. Not sure really what to say, even though you know something needs to be said. I just want my brain to work right now. I need it to work so it can make sense of everything that is running through my mind.

A start.

One lesson I learned today-I need to keep my mouth shut all of the time. I really hate the drama that comes with opening ones mouth and today I'm making it a goal to not say anything bad about anyone or any situation again, unless it's straight to the person or the situation. This way I won't have to add any unnecessary drama into my life with the "he said/ she said" crap.


I hate drama, I hate everything about it and this is going to be my way to not contribute to it. It's going to be hard, but I think it will be worth it. So don't anyone be offended when you're telling me about an annoyance or bad habit of someone or something and I don't have a response. I'll listen but don't expect me to contribute or agree or try and make anyone feel justified. I'm keeping my thoughts to myself.


I feel like I have so much to say, but perhaps it's not worth it.

_____________________________________________________

I got a childhood book at the bookstore a couple of days ago. I loved this book when I was younger. I was such a reader in those days and there are a couple of books that have really stuck with me. This is one of them. Phantom Tollbooth. Read it if you haven't already. It's lovely. I'm in Carson now with Kris, and I had to get some books to keep me company while he is as he says, "bringing home the bacon for our kingdom." :) I think this book should do for now. I'll read it fast, but it will be a great comfort to me.


He takes care of me. I love that. It's very comforting. I've seen a lot of growth from him. It's really a great thing. We both have some improvements to be made, but I think that we're both growing, and together too, which is a really amazing feeling.


We're going to San Francisco tomorrow to go see a show. Kris is going to show me around. I'm excited, I've never been. I love taking trips with him. I'm excited to go to a new city. I love to travel. I wish I did it more. I wonder if I should bring the new pillow cases Kris got me for my birthday. They make me happy. Since we are the King and the Queen, it fits quite well. I need to get them washed before we leave if I want to take them. hmm.



I think karma is a great thing. I can currently think of a couple of situations that warrant a smile. It sounds kind of bad, but I'm quite enjoying what I know.


I miss my old friends.


I wish I knew what to do in difficult situations. I wish I had all the answers, but I guess I wouldn't learn much, now would I?

Sediments

Sometime I feel like I'm being slowly chiseled away.

I try and get things fixed but there is only so much that I can do. I feel like I'm just saying the same things over and over. I usually try and look at things in a bigger picture and I know that if things continue like this I'll be chiseled away into nothing. I hate it. I want it fixed, because I know the process in myself when it isn't.

I'm at a loss for what to do.  

Morag

This is Morag. She thinks I don't love her, so I dedicate this blog to her in hopes that she will see how much I do care.

She is super talented and wrote the play that I was just in. She writes lots of plays, one could call her a playwright. She has been the greatest of friends and is always there to hear me ramble on about something. She has a handsome husband, Mitch and a lovely doggie named Dash, who she always has a picture of, on her phone.

She likes to laugh and have fun all the time. She is a joy to be around. :) She shops at Nordstrom's and likes to buy new jeans and shoes. She has a boob hole. She says lots of witty things.

I have a headache otherwise I would write lots more about this lovely friend of mine.

I love Morag, and so should you!

The things that I've done...and the things I should be doing.

Only two more days of school (+ one week of finals)!! I am stressed, but really excited at the prospect of not having to be on such a time constraint.

I went to a study session (where I brilliantly didn't bring any writing utensils-awesome) and then spent the rest of the day/night at the library trying to catch up on everything that I've been putting off because of the show.

The rest of Roofsliding went well, it ended last weekend. It's kind of weird, putting all of that time and effort into something and then it just ending. We all tore down the huge set together- it went down so fast. I wanted to keep something from the set, but I'm trying not to be such a pack rat. I got an amazing amount of wonderful feedback from the show. I'm really excited that so many people enjoyed the acting. It makes me feel pretty great, because lot of blood, sweat and tears went into it.

Val and Tim came down to see the show March 27th. It was a bit stressful for them, as their tire blew out a little over halfway here and I didn't know if they were going to make it. They did and we all went out for some mediocre food afterwards. I'm thankful to have such wonderful support. Val hasn't missed a performance yet.

My birthday was pretty awesome, I had school and the show but I have good friends, so it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. Kris sent me a large bouquet of my favorite flowers-lilies-they were so beautiful. They made the house smell so lovely and they definitely made me happy every time I saw them.

My parents came to see the two last shows. They seemed to really like it. They bought me flowers as well and so I had the best smelling house for miles :) I didn't get to spend as much quality time with them as I had hoped. I get kind of weird about them leaving. I have huge issues with death and loss, etc. I am hoping to spend a few weeks down in Vegas over the summer; after I graduate, at least right now, I'm anticipating returning there for a little bit. Kris and his band came through on Thursday, the night before closing and that was fun/a little stressful at times. Kris was really sick, my parents took him to the urgent care place because he was really really bad. I tried to take care of him the best I could, but he needed medicine ASAP! Turns out he has an pneumonia :( I felt kind of helpless, and the fact that I only got see him for one night didn't make it better. He's slowly getting better and started work again a couple of days ago. A pneumonia isn't something play around with, that is for sure. I'm positive that it he had stayed on tour he would have not been so lucky.

Shortly after Kris left, I got sick myself. I'm not really sure what it is that I have, but as soon as I started feeling something, I began drinking water like you would not believe. It helped, but each day something else starts hurting. Amidst all of this I got pink eye and have had to wear my glasses more than I even have wanted to. They are cute, but the prescription I can tell is a bit off from my contacts so I have been getting pretty intense headaches, to top everything off. I can't understand how I got sick, I'm a moderate germ-a-phob (I'm the type of person to turn the sink off with a paper towel and open the door with a paper towel, etc). I'm clean, very clean, but I think my immune system most have been getting down from the lack of sleep and stomach/digestive issues that have been ensuing as of the past couple of months.

I have a lot to take care of in the last couple of days for school. I've got lots to read, lots to write, and lots to memorize. I'm not too confident in myself for some of the GE finals, but I'm going to do my best and hope that I won't have to retake anything. Perfection has been such a huge part of my life, but I think this is a great time to let it go. It's going to be painful, but I've had a jam packed year and I'm lucky to be getting out alive.

blah.

I feel unheard.

It hurts me

I'm getting sick. I have so much to say. I tired. My head hurts, maybe later I can be intellectual with my words. Probably not, but maybe.